#16

Just heard the news that my favourite player has stepped into retirement. well, he wasn't as flash as magic, or famous as jordan, or won many awards like bryant, but he was an inspiration, haha.. one of the reason, i played the sport myself, to try shoot like him, to try do the things he tried(failed miserably) i only joined the inter-school basketball competition once, i teamed up with juniors, to be their Big Man, and swipe rebounds, and hit put-backs. none of my batchmates then wanted me to join their team(cause i was really an erratic player, and make a lot of fundamental mistakes.), and back then i didn't had a working computer or internet, so i asked my mum to go to cybercafe, just to spend hours each day, to watch videos of him shooting and doing things he do.. and i still remember, when he hit the trey and got fouled with seconds on the clock to force the games into overtime, no hesitation trey, so smooth till they called it the serbian layup. the roar of arco arena, the team, the emotions on his face when he hit the shot(he was ice cold earlier in the game).. but the swagger he showed.. and so, how did i practice? haha! i stayed late in fridays, and shot the ball,(actually cause, erm, i really was a liability to play in a team back then), though my friends did call me to join, i restricted to a few games, and concentrated on my shot, had few practice with the juniors i teamed up with.. and when the competition came, in the group stages, we beat some juniors, i barely played, and beat another team, and played the last round in the group with the team made up of my close friends and school players. it was eric, roshan, ce kie, and i dont remember the 4th guy..haha. so yeah. it was the game of games for me, in the whole competition.. haha. no one expected us to put on a decent fight, let alone win it.. and so, yeap, it was tooth and nail. and surprisinly i scored the most points, haha! i keep hitting shots after shots, and after shots, it was amazing, i still remember khor and andy shouting its just a few minutes left, and the score was tied, and my hands were trembling(i was really scared of letting down), and the juniors passed to me,whenever i was open(i was the senior.gahahaha.. and going red hot), and it was then, i really hit that shot, just under a minute, they threw me the ball, right outside the 3pt line,(im a very bad 3pt shooter then), i caught the ball, roshan running towards me with his hands aloft.. i just breathed, while letting go the ball in mid air, and bang, roshan bumped to me, and the ball hit nothing but net, from the 3pt line.. i couldnt believe it myself, i was up on my feet, hitting my chest! haha! and we hold the defence really well for the remaining time for the win! haha.. and i found new respect from the rest of the guys.. and so, in the quarter finals, my team met andy's team, who eventually won, and they knocked us out.. but i played with pride, showing that, hey, i can really do it.. and that was the only time i ever played in a basktball competition, i didnt want to join another team or anything else the years after that. wanted to keep it a special memory.. and, to be honest, i learnt a good lesson from that whole thing.. i'm not sure how to put to words.. but its like if you always concentrate on things you can't do or dont have the ability for something, and keep saying like im not tall enough or im not quick or skillful enough or im fat. and dont concentrate in your strength, on the ability you have and the skill set you have, then you really bound to fail even before you start. sometimes, you should concentrate on what your best skills are, and try to contribute from there.im not against learning new stuff, just that, contribute in ways you are useful rather than not helping at all.. and since then, i was always asked to play with them till today..haha! even after i broke my legs and all. i still am a good shooter, and still have fun with the guys. and yes, my shooting style is taken from stojakovic.haha! (but i really suck).haha!=) anyway, thank you so much.. really for being an inspiration to me while i was growing up. its been a great ride, and im really glad you finally won the championship last year, even playing from the bench. thank you, hope you have a good retirement! on the last note, seriously i hope the kings do really well this year.. like really really well! haha! *takes deep breath* Pain and loss, they define us as much as happiness or love. Whether it’s a world, or a relationship… Everything has its time. And everything ends #16 PEJA STOJAKOVIC you will always be my all time favourite basketball player =) ps. feel like shooting some balls again. can't wait to come home soon

~forgotten farmhouse~

another good book, i remember the cover had a burning horse with skeletons.. haha! story wasnt the best, but yeap, was good!=) orubadu pareyean onde, pache, yaartu parayean arila.. veedi yengena evncha tanne ellam cheiyum, cheyinium.. enda vencha, yeniku deivam mella visvasam onde. ella deivam malle kodutha mathi. naa manishen, manishen enda cheiya saaikyum, ade maatrum ennaku cheiyam saathikilu. oruthosum, verum, ella nalithu verum yengeku. Harivarasanam Viswamohanam Haridadheeswaram Aaradhyapadukam Arivimarddanam Nithyanarthanam Hariharathmajam Devamashraye kulikumpothe, ithu paadam todengi, korupaam ellam poyi, naaluthu nadakum.

~little wing~

standing next to a mountain, and you gotta chop it down with the edge of your hand.. owh wells, have to study and work thoroughly, a lot things to do and think about.. and yeap, my brain and body coordinating.. and oh, played in the russian league again, i know i shouldn't but, erm.. emergency ganti.. so.. yeah.. for some reason i played.. and somewhat im enjoying all the cramps and stiffness of the body.. i guess i needed that.. and to be honest, i kinda OWNED the matches.. i never thought i can play mix doubles, havent had any proper 1s since sec school..haha! russian girl hands down impressive..haha! she never seen me before i guess, cause i never went for the other matches. and i have loads to read and study, i should be prepared, but not to hard onmyself, but im eager to learn and work for it.. so i should. just that today i was really feeling a bit dry, and trust me, a good dollop of chocolate ice cream would help..haha! and oh, gotta admit, new diet seems better, i seem to have less lazyness and more energy when i need my energy.. no longer feeling energetic middle of the night, but feeling good on the mornings instead.. cutting less on coffeee as well yeap, gotta stay strong and positive. though at times i do feel like talking, but keeping your head low for a while is agood thing.. need sometime out for everything i guess.. havent played any computer games for 2 weeks.. god bless me.. i guess i would play some this weekend.haha. anyhow, life goes on, i did what i needed to do today, yeap, i set stuff right again, it feels right, and yes, i shall continue to trot along.. and i shall keep encouraging and giving positive messages, i would do my part, and hopefully she feels better by it.. hopefully. =)

~keys~

i guess today was a good day after all.. it did turn out well.. i went to the event and took photos, shawn came, and teman me all the way.. appreciate that a lot.. and when i reached home, i had bought some food outside, ate it cold, and yeap.. began to edit pictures.. and i'm glad i get to spoke with you today.. haha.. woken up early, because of sms-es.. quite surprised, juniors, seniors, batchmates tried to fix some plans with me.. but i said no, and stayed home, waited for you.. i did know you won't make it.. and the very weird thing is.. i'm not upset at all.. i guess i did grow up.. and it was worth waiting for you..i know that somehow we would talk to each other, and it will be worth it, so am waiting to that with my positive energy for you.. need to re-energise you again! hehe! so yah! come back soon! and safely! though i really want your camwhore pictures..hehe! anyway, a lot things happen, neighbours brought food, received hugs, and slices of small cakes, and CINABBON from andrew.. with a card too.. people keep bringing food, some said next week, and all.. and oh, thank youuu evien! hahaha! damn cute! you said 1st time skype with video with guy, said happy birthday, cantstop smiling and cut off.. seriously.. i couldnt stop laughing for hours.. thank youuuu! the tweets of wishes.. and food.. and more food.. totoba and the rest! yeap! im glad.. masha and olya wishing me.. its really really great! im glad i have hot russian friends.. have huge makan sessions in sunday.. and i hope everything works out well! maybe i have no 1 to make a video or do something special for me.. but i have everyone thinking of me at that 1 moment.. to me, its something special already. anyway, girls who can play drums are hot, somewhat turns me really on.hahaha.. i love bassist as well.. and i played nba today, hit the winnings hot, 3 pointer with a foul.. thats awesome.. watched a malayalam movie, ate icecream.. edited pictures, daydreamnt, felt like everything will just turn out fine.. and i love my prants alot.. he said the darnest stuff.. that really touched me.. yeah..i will remember you advices.. and i know what i must do.. i will still walk the path i chose.=) happy birthday mahes

failures

i have finally gotten something i hope i never get.. so yeah.. i guess.. good news no re-exam.. no need of it.. bad news is i dont have anything to give to my parents.. no honours or whatsoever.. i know people who wants to comfort me, will say, hey, its nothing.. but really it meant a lot to me.. i want something material to show my parents that all their sacrifices had not gone to waste.. i know they would say, you have jpa and all.. but who knows the truth? hahaha.. well just me.. so yeah.. i don't have anything to make them feel appreciated and joyful.. and yes you can lecture me that there are other ways.. and i know i do, but i really wanted his for them.. i felt it was the least i could do in respect.. and i failed it miserably.. funny thing when i walked home.. i really looked around.. really there is no 1.. not even family or friends.. nah..i'm just tooo complicated to be understood.. people take me for granted.. and that's because of my personality in the first place.. that i can't have any mood swings.. more like i'm not allowed too. sometimes i do wish to have someone to really let it out too.. but i think thats never happen.. i think the problem with me is i hope tooo much.. everything everytime i hope and hope.. and it builds so high.. that when it falls. i really am pathetic.. so yeah.. i know that this is my fault.. and i know that i didn't study well or hard enough.. and yeah.. maybe the teacher was right.. i'm not someone with potential as she though..i'm just everyone else.. will be forgotten so easily.. nah.. i don't have friends or family.. i just can't do it anymore.. screw all this. i can't even do the pandorica speech.. i wished i can for that actually.. i might just get a goldfish and just live with that.. no point hoping in things that dont happen.. right? but then again.. i can't change myself.. however i try that there is that part of me.. will retain.. and be myself... so what options do ihave besides putting my head low and walk.. i wish i was a dalek....but i'm just human.. not even time lordish.. i guess i only have myself.. and life goes on...

~milestones~

i am sorry for being cold.. i know you meant well to bring the kueh batik or brownies thing for me.. and i realise you came from far.. but you do know it is wrong to bring for me such things.. it did taste good though.. but yeah.. i can't accept things from you.. not in this times.. i just don't feel good about it..

had a dream.. maybe not a nightmare.. but i guess yuo can call it a bad dream.. yeah.. it was the dream i know that one day i would be facing huh.. i dreamnt of you... you were with someone else, with that smile and you were happy.. how can i ask for you then.. i can't..why am i still hoping for you.. i really dont know at times what am i feeling.. i want to be your friend.. a dear friend.. but i always hope that i'll be more than that.. not as family like you say.. but more.. which is impossible like you always say.. i don't blame you.. i blame me.. its just me can't bottle up things well.. leakage.. and more leakage.. i can wait for you till then, but i doubt you will be waiting for me..haha..

i am happy for my close friend who patch up back with their loved ones... and then, completely forgetting of me.. again.. i guess i'm only good when someone needs me..haha.. ah well, i played this role far toooo many times.. and i still not used to it... sometimes, i just wish to come home and say a lame joke, or else.. i know you aree finally starting to feel happy, and i don't want to disturb you.. i understand.. though at times i do wish that i can have a friend.. i too wanna gossip and say lame cheesy lines... be happy friend.. i hope you don't find me, cause if you do, i know you are not well.. haha..

i learnt something from the dream.. after years of hoping, i finally reach the end, in which i did expect that is.. me being broken.. so asking myself.. is it worth it hoping still? i know it is.. but can you handle it when it happens?? i don't know..
i just be the person i know..

maybe i was wrong all this while.. my mentality. thinking that, no one should be alone when they do something.. that they should do things together.. i always had this idea.. that when your times come, and you need to go, you always want the most important people around you.. and my close friends and family are the most important people, and the bring the best of me.. and especially you too.. maybe this sort of thinking is wrong.. people come to this world by themselves.. naked and vulnarable.. and they should go out such way as well.. alone..

maybe i should just forget all this, and do things by myself.. there is no reason to share.. because its better to share the sugar and vinegar with yourself.. keep it to you.. save everybit of it.. so you have enough for a long time.. where do i go when i tell my success or asking an advice.. if not myself..

maybe that's why i want to climb the mountain by myself.. to prove a point.. that i was wrong all this while.. that i still can achieve a great milestone even with broken limbs.. sweats and tears and smiles all by myself.. maybe iw as being silly and obnoxious all this while.. or maybe i was right.. i don't know.. but i'm leaving myself to find out as i grow everyday..

and i'm not suicidal or emo-ing or whatsoever..

anyway, been wanting to keep a fish.. haha.. i do think it can survive i hope.. and i plan to call it.. alphy? hahaha.. maybe soon, when i pass a pet shop maybe..

i been raping the replay button of a few songs of murray gold.. it's like listening the orchestra when the empire attacks.... somewhat it makes me want the challenges to come so i can outsmart it..hahahah.. sounds cocky right.. but yeah... i haven't been feeling so much confidence. and charisma seems ooozing off me..well, then, i guess i need to show the problems and trouble, how to really make someone misrable by giving them a run for their money.. and no god.. i'm not challenging you, don't you thunderbolt me when i go out.. mati...


haha.. well, i think i'm gonna write a joke here.. mmmm..

but then again.. nahhhh.. i keep it for the future.. *giggles*.. hahaha. where do i come up with really lame jokes.. my hidden talentss.. one of the many...

not supposed to be writing but wth.. blame murray gold..hahaha.. *bobs head*..

though tomorrow, i know the teachers gonna meet me with the face of dissapointment.. i know i didn't work hard enough for it... today was a day supposedly. to have 25hours. but they didn't want to have the daylight saving time.. so remained 24.. oiii! medved, i could really used that extra hour you know.. garrh..

and i speak judoon now.. do go ro so fo go lo no.. understand?? hahhahahahaha!!!!!

and you are an ood! ugly, but you have the saddest voice....

if someone were to ask me, who is the perfect person to date,
the 1st question
empire or republic? choose wisely.. wrong answer i will NOT talk to you for lightyears.. or worse i will stab you with the lightsaber or force chokehold you..hahaha..

and then, a drummer is smexy, having a long hair is hot, smooth skin is a turn on, killer smile is must, perfect heigh and figure is a plus point, knows what i'm talking about(even my random words) is a definite yes, must be able to speak judoon..hahaha.. and of course, have "that" eyes.. i wonder if such person exist.. and what if she did, and she doesnt want to come 10 metres near of me.. and lets say if i met her.. what do i say, hello? hahahhahahahahaahha.. this is funnneeeeehhhhh..

and yes to daleks out there.. i am gonna be the doctor, do please try to fail me, but i am the doctorrrrrrrr.. and i'm coming to get you.. look at me oozing with confidence, doesn't that frighten you.. hahahahaha.. let's EXTERMINATE you lot..shall we?? hahahahah!!

and i think karen gillian is hot. and i do tweet a lot.. and i am a chocolate addict, and i'm on coffee baed diet... i'm going to start play badminton with a little more intensive.. unforgivingly flabby.. na-ah! ain't happening when i'm just 20..

i haven't wrote something like this since my diary..ahh... the good ol' times.. me and that book.. i wonder how many fishes read it.. hahahaha!
maybe i should write all of these in another place, where only me, myself and i can enjoy each line well, and the meaning behind.. by myself.. you know, its like being priveledged, knowing tha 6billion people in the world, roughly a billion with internet, and roughly 500million knowing english, and out of 500million, 20 million are active online most the time, and out of it just a couple hundreds knows you exist in this planet, and out of the that just around 25 or more knows this blog exist, and only 1 can read the next time i'm gonna write again.. doesn't that makes you helluva special? hahahahaha!

and this is gallifrey, and immagonnaflywithmyTARDIS!

~Partum~

Today, gonna update all the blogs i ever had.. i guess i have neglected writing, it's not like i write wel, but i guess its more in expressing myself out when i really can't, write down the words i can't really say out.. anyway, its been sometimes since the break, and to be honest, between me and you, this is going to be the last time i'm going to mention about it.. times past, and seriously i finally did understand why it feels so different being by myself this time.. haha! my diary!!!! yeap! i used to be able to bitch about stuff there, till i got rid of it.. and for the last few weeks, i kept to myself, while people might say i am the one to blame, i am not planning to refute their claims nor correct them.. i am man enough to take my part of the blame, and carry it, and walk with it. because why, i am that kind of man. and so i did my mistake and moved on, and i know, i wont make such mistakes again.. anyway, life returns, those times of me speding more time with me and studies, and i should say, i really can adpet to my old life.. really close friends talk to me rarely nowadays.. i guess they have to run their lives as well.. but i heard good news, and i am happy for them.. godbless.. and oh, i really want to work hard.. and i been putting effort in so many things, i know my groupies thinks im lazy or not as clever or as good as them, i used to care a lot of what people thought about me, but now, i just couldn't be bothered, i know my path of life isn't going to cross with anyone here after med school.. so, pretty much, i should prepare myself on my own, and make sure i live a good life, be more of person than i want to.. i guess my perspective changed a lot these last few months.. and not surprisingly enough, meiyi, have to really thank you again.. everytime, you do make a change in my life.. a better change.. i guess you really do inspire me much.. and i want to inspire you and put a lot of positive energy in you, to do great wonderful things.. and i know she is not having th ebest of times, and i know she is in the depths of her mind, figuring a way to get her life through this and to survive..it may look like i abondoned her.. but seriously, i think i know her so much, i know she needs her space to deal with it.. and i know she can do this, and she does know i am here, and i feel i should give her more positive vibes with it.. just to add a little bit of strength in her... and i will be waiting for her.. and will be waiting.. but seriously a lot difference with me this time, last time i used to be cranky when she dont reply and all, but this time i know she needs to be places where she needs to be, and i want to support her well through this.. and she will come home soon.. and i will be there with a big smile for her.. studies has been not really stable i guess, i am quite tired in classes and so all, and sometimes dont look really prepared.. i am really putting a lot effort in making my knowledge more complete.. my quiet life continuous i guess, and i continue to be the person i can be.. jeannie said really nice things about me.. she said she has respect to me...thats really the best compliment i ever heard from someone.. kinda pushes your confidence a lot. i want to be better than the best, i wanna push.. i want to show the world.. no.. to show myself.. that i can be whoever i want to be.. and i believe in myself.

These eyes blue like a lake, Within them lies a deep secret

"Ye Chand Sa Roshan Chehra" (Kashmir ki Kali -1964) ye chaand sa roshan chehara, zulfon ka rang sunehra (This glowing face like the moon, the gliding locks) ye jheel si neeli aankhein, koi raaz hai in mein gehra (These eyes blue like a lake, Within them lies a deep secret) tareef karun kya us ki, jisne tumhein banaya (what praise can I offer to the one who created you) ek cheez qayamat bhi hai logon se suna karte the (There is such a thing as qayamat, I used to hear from people) tumhein dekh ke maine mana wo theek kaha karte the (Upon seeing you, I admitted they used to speak the truth) hai chal mein teri zalim kuchh aisi ada ka jadoo (There is, in your mannerism, o merciless, the wizardy of such wrath) sau baar sambhala dil ko per hoke raha bekabu (I protected my heart a hundred times, but it was insitently irrepressible) tareef karun kya uski jisne tumhein banaya (What praise can I offer to the one who created you) ye chaand sa roshan chehara, zulfon ka rang sunahra (This glowing face like the moon, the gliding locks) ye jheel si neeli aankhein, koi raaz hai in mein gehra (These eyes blue like a lake, Within them lies a deep secret) tareef karun kya us ki, jisne tumhein banaya (what praise can I offer to the one who created you) har subah kiran ki lali hai rang tere gaalon ka (The rosiness of morning rays, is the colour of your cheeks) har shaam ki chadar kali saya hai tere balon ka (The black veil in every evening is te shadow of your hair) tu balkhati ek nadiya har mauj teri angdayi (You are an ever flowing river, every wave is your yawn) jo in maujon mein dooba usne hi duniya paayi (The one who drowns in these waves, is the only one who attained joys of the world) tareef karun kya uski jisne tumhein banaya (What praise can I offer for the one who created you) ye chaand sa roshan chehara, zulfon ka rang sunahra (This glowing face like the moon, the gliding locks) ye jheel si neeli aankhein, koi raaz hai in mein gehra (These eyes blue like a lake, Within them lies a deep secret) tareef karun kya us ki, jisne tumhein banaya (what praise can I offer to the one who created you) main khoj mein hoon manzil ki aur manzil paas hai mere (I am in search of destination and the destination is close to me) mukhde se hata do anchal ho jayein duur andhere (Move the veil from your face, for the darkness to wither) mana ki ye jalwe kar denge mujhe deewana (I admit that your splendour shall drive me into a frenzy) jee bhar ke zara main dekhun andaz tera mastana (Let me appreciate to my heart's content, your intoxicating vanity) tareef karun kya uski jisne tumhein banaya (What praise can I offer to the one who created you) ye chaand sa roshan chehara, zulfon ka rang sunahra (This glowing face like the moon, the gliding locks) ye jheel si neeli aankhein, koi raaz hai in mein gehra (These eyes blue like a lake, Within them lies a deep secret) tareef karun kya us ki, jisne tumhein banaya (what praise can I offer to the one who created you) try listening to the song... this is exactly what you call evergreeeen!

~the adventure continues~

~hakuna matata~

just had to say that, but really, i never expect that the shortest holiday i have would be the most eventful..
some may say bad or good expereience, but i like to look at it thinking, as how much i know myself now, and how much i do impact others life..

today was just beyond, i met with my god-father alone.. i didn't plan of going to his shop for brunch.. but after buying some things at the mall, i had this feeling to visit him, and it just made my day..

and its been years(even he said), since i ordered the curry noodles...
he sat with me, at 1st he didn't say anything, but suddenly he said, that he is and always be proud of me.. not because i'm studying medicine, or whatever achievements, but the person i turned out to be.. said i still had those eyes, that comforts him..and its a joy to see me making jokes and eat with him.. hahaha..

i know its not a compliment or anything.. but i had this sudden rush of warmness in me.. he told me to be the good son that i have been and a good person, and said, a lot people would put trust on me, and it will be paid well, and he is proud to be my papa.. i hugged him after that..although he told me he was dirty and not too.. i really love that old man who tells me stories and really gave me advices and perspectives.. and not only that, being someone that actually made me felt that i matter.. haha.. he told me, to bring a girl to eat breakfast at the shop 1 day... i do want to ask her, but for the time being, she needs to be where she is now, and when everything is stable, i hope i will be able to bring her there..

i know that i'm not a perfect person, i was unable to make someone i love to love me or prevent someone who loves me to leave me.. i guess.. all in all, i am meant to be this way.. though it looks a bit sad that people leaves, but thats how it is.. i know that i would be around. and i don't want to be different.. i do like the way i am now..i feel honest and sincere to myself..

the person who left, i guess, nothing much to be said, except best of luck in everything and with him.. remember yourself, and love yourself, be confident, that you do matter to others, especially to your family, its okay for sometime to opening up to them..
love yourself, and take care it.. study hard, and chase the dreams you can find..

the person who never loved, i guess we went through too much together, we both did a fair share of tantrums and silly arguments... and i know how much you care for me.. and i appreciate it.. though at times, i wish in the future that we would be together, but the future is the future, and it comes a day at a time.. maybe we will and maybe we wont.. i do hope that i would be someone next to your heart and soul.. remember to eat well, and take care of yourself, wait me to graduate to take care of you so that you are well enough to take care of me.. hahaha..

and myself, you do know that these last 2 years, is going to define you as a person and as a doctor.. you met people who are willing to teach you, and you should have the same passion to learn as well.. maybe things are not going the way you want to.. but then, its all in your hands.. you been blessed countless times, and you do realise that.. and be person who you are, don't be someone who you would not be able to look in the mirror at..

i really met a lot of friends and lets say, comrades... i know its far from over, and i'm no where near, but i do know i'm getting closer each day.. and i know i am alive and i would survive!

maybe 1 day i can flood the world with my passion..

not to lose my childhood eyes

~final attack ride~

-post deleted-
its in the "other" blog now..

~TOBI-Flags~

hey you! yes you.. if you just came here to check how am i doing.. then i must say.. you are a friend who dont genuinely care for me. .hahahaha.. no offence.. cause i like to think, that the people who cares for me and stays close to me thick or thin.. well, they dont visit my blog, cause they DONT NEED TOOOOOOO!! weeee!
*winks*.. this is said on my friend's blog.. but there is some truth in it.. im a sucky friend........haih.....

i know i should be studying.. but.. garrh.. i guess things haven't been going to what i wanted eh..

and yes, i finally borrowed.. after trying to hang on myself.. for so long.. now i finally asked for it.. what better day it was than an important day of someone important..

i'm just glad that i have something...

anyway.. a lot of work.. and thinking.. to be honest.. i'm not sure the path i'm taking is the right 1.. ah well.. just go on with what i can i guess..

i know i said i would want a lot things which require a lot of money...

and somehow.. i believe and feel that i can get exactly the amount i need for all that.. and then, it will happen such a way that i would be given a choice.. again.. to be selfish or not to...

i guess this time.. i am not the same boy as last time?.......

so what my choice will be?

anyway.. i finalized my ticket to home.. hope nothing goes wrong and i pass and do well for my exams..

so i can reach home.. and sleep on the floor again.. with my blanket.. missing it..

so i guess i can push as much as i can..
soon, i would have nothing to lose.. but everything to gain for right?

garrh.. i really could use someone or something to keep me sane... to slap and shut the dumb thoughts in my head.. and to focus!!

owh well, im not all that lucky or blessed eh..

good things come in time....

and i trust god..

found actually a good verse on the bible(and no.. im not a christian, but reading the bible is not a bad thing..lols.. i believe and love my own religion)

its on proverbs 4:18
But the path of the just is as the shining light, that shineth more and more unto the perfect day.

yeap.. i guess that's the way to do it... as long i stick to my principles and belief.. eventually i walk the right way..^^

~maju dan terus maju~

Well, there are somethings i wanted to tell a person so much.. but somehow.. i'm really unable to do so.. guess for now, i can pour it out here..

well, i attended a recent talk by a specialist.. which changed a lot of my thoughts..

he said.." every doctor has their own little secret graveyard, at their backyard, how many are you gonna dig up"..

he said this because of the attitude.. how many are you going to kill, because of your mistakes? your competence? your ego?

and how are you going to take it?

he meant by.. to remind us.. that we are still human.. we make mistakes.. that's fine..
but how many of the mistakes can we prevent if we studied harder? paid close attention?

he said.. i maybe a specialist..an accomplished one.. but i do have my graveyard.. and every hole i dug. reminded me, how much i should have changed for the better..

everything is key..

and he told a story.. when he was a houseman.. when he encountered the 1st death.. he said.. he knew the patient had just a number of weeks left.. but he was glad that he made a bond with the patient..

a bond.. that he was more than a doctor.. but was also a friend.. who helped and eased..

how? ... listen.. there are many things about listening..
he said the patient told him his life stories.. the mistakes the patient did..
that he ended up on his death bed.. all alone.. had no 1.. no wife no family..
not even good friends.. felt miserable.. for what the patient had done, when he felt he was immortal..

he regretted every word he said to his loved 1s.. hurt them much.. and now, he is on his bed.. just wishing how much he can meet up, with his family to say that he is sorry.. and that they are precious to him..

how much that shook the doctor.. who listened.. he knew if he kept his ego, and the false pride he owned being someone that can really change someones life.. he would end up all alone 1 day.. though he may get his riches.. and wealth.. but that doesn't follow you to the grave does it? all the more, just your dear 1s would follow you to pay respects there.. and remember you as a man who lived..

somehow, he realized then and there..
that he wasn't someone..
who just treat people with drugs or some methods..
but he was there to heal..
healing the soul..

giving comfort to the person who knows his destiny is to die..
that you know you don't have enough time to do what you needed.. and wasted a lot of opportunities when it came..
saying that there will always be a next time or a tomorrow..


a roughly 6 weeks later the patient died.. and left a letter for the doctor..
said thank you for listening my stories..
i feel much relieved that i was able to tell my life to someone..
and i hope you be a very very good doctor and a friend..

and the specialist said..
that changed my life..
a lot..
i didn't become afraid.. to tackle hard cases..
and neither to give up on a patient..
no.. i don't treat them as a patient..
but as a fellow human, a friend who needs in care.. and healing..
in which i'm good at..*winks*

so be confident in yourself..
if you feel disheartened.. and not sure what you doing.. and how to go..
then go straight on! cause thats the only way.. *grins*

see your steps.. watch them grow even more confident in every stride..

and you find your purpose in this world...

and of course.. never walk alone.. haha.. you might just go astray without not knowing it..

walk together.. so there is someone to remind you.. who you are.. and which path you should be going..

find that someone.. that changes you, everytime, and gets the best out of you..


garrh... and so mahes, take confident strides to what you can become..

OUTDO YOUR POTENTIAL menon!! hahaha!

and never hesitate to care for someone.. who knows you never get that opportunity again..

up up and awaaaaaaaaay!^^

how

~friday the 13th~

i can't help it.. gotta write something though its saturday the 14th now..*shrieks*.. but, yeah.. i guess i should write something when i have the chance though its not what i should be doing now.. because i have super damn loads to do now.. like bloooday damn loads.. not to say my studies been dropping.. i really gotta push myself... like really push push..

mood wise, i guess, im not in the best of mood lately.. groupmates, roomates.. garrrhh.. perhaps im too over sensitive.. i don't know.. my patience.. and my chill aura.. is like gone.. i get erm.. like really annoyed with a lot people lately.. maybe i have too much time to think of the unnecessary? can i change that much?? or is that im still normal, but the way they are, are just beyond tolerable.. i don't know. and i dont plan to indulge further so.. i guess i plan to just letting it go.


well, to be very honest im actually waking up in fear.. everyday.. for the last few days.. i watched a horror movie, in a dark room.. which was not mind.. and there was like many teddy bears around.. creeeepppppeeeh!!!!!!!! bloooday insidious and the rite.. but to be honest, kinda feel good to be scared.. hahahahaha.. can wake up early..lols.

anyway... im actualy baffled.. in how much i should find to survive this summer.. i mean seriously..

get new laptop, if not worth fixing.. rm6k?
attachment rm3k
lense 800
stationaries and bags.. 200
new clothes 500
perhaps a new phone? rm2k
go all over wherever i can in malaysia while im home and havinbg fun. rm2k
a new watch? rm20 pasar malam baby!
and perhaps, save up for europe trip? rm4k..

so all about 20k... hahaha.. it seems so farfetched huh..
im not even working.. nor having any sort of income..
just a really poor student..

but hor.. the list has more wants than needs.. owh wells.. im such a glutton..

but somehow.. i have a super strong feeling.. by the time of the next friday 13th. of next year.. i will get most of it done.. hahaha.. i have faith in the dude high up in the heavens.. HE guides me! so yeah! i have faith.. and i put my good fight!

If i can't get it done, means its impossible to do..

as long there is a possibility, i will strive till all my blood and FATS dry up.. haha!^^

my handphone been quiet......


and need to call mum.... so mahes stop buying a lot of chocolate! wasting wasting!


next weeks forecast..
pirazhkov, tezikov, pancreatova, ineekeeva, bondarchuk(bondarCHOKE)..
though i feel i am really unprepared for anything, but i have to push for something..

a lot shed for this opportunity.. so i can't let it go.. *repeats the song lose yourself*

mmm.. wanna go play guitar for a while.. ^^

~creme' de la creme'~

weeee! arsenal beats man u! sarcamento stays! and i get to go out! and i get to see The Rock as well.. now if thats not good stuff all weeek.. then what is...

hahaa.. come to think of it.. i dont whine much.. lols.. not many people knows whats going on.. those who know, they feel sorry.. though i don't like that feeling that people feels sorry for me..
and yeah, though i sometimes badmouth god, but erm..i gotta say, im here and alive and well as i can ever be thanks to him.. he blessed me so much and countless times i think this little hardship is nothing if he were to ignore me..

and well, fate has striking my butt lately.. i hope she is 'hot' though.. hahaha.. but somehow, you cant stay down too long right? some how some day, you do have to rise up..

and yeah, going to the dacha was fantastic... i could finally take pictures.. and edit it by borrowing laptops..(haha.. kinda sleeepy actually.... nightime editting)..

and yeah.. i could really use my old comp.. god i miss it.. it has everything for me.. like my fav songs.. pictures.. or some jokes or sitcom whenever i neeeded.. not to forget.. my super ebooks collection and masked rider craps.. garrrrhhh..

and yeah... this summer perhaps i may get to do it.. i may not.. whatever it is.. i give my best shot for it.. i think the best path will come when the time comes, till then, i work what i can do..

i kinda booked a date for my return ticket.. its on... XX.. i hope to spend some time with people i really want to spend with...

well,some good stuff actually happened.. and im so hyped up.. i guess i should really use this time to do academic stuff.. or im gonna suffer later.. pfffftttsss..



and i have a huge craving for apple pies...

~wasteland lost~

too many things to write actually..
i know i should be using this time that i get to use a laptop for copying my lecture notes..
but i really feel like writing..

i mean seriously.. arsenal losing to bolton... pfffffftsss..
come on lah.. how unlucky this year can go..
sacramento kings moving out.. and might dissolve.. then who should i support? definitely not lakers..

but i guess i been greedy lately..
been wanting everything, and everyone..
ah well.. sometimes you dont get things to happen the way you want..
i guess i will have to pull out from this mission team..
i cant expect them to adjust to my timings.. expensive that way..
though even if they are willing too.

but yeah.. many thing i really gave some good thought about..
and i roughly have some idea now..
just that.. whether is the right 1..
im not sure or convinced.. so yeah..
its all still a huge mystery..

for now. i do what i can..
and handle things.. the way i know.
perhaps i looked myself a bit too high..
and its time to hit reality before it hits you hard on the face..
so yeah..
i know.. and i will manage..


well i guess the only good thing is that cloud nine is released.. and thats my only entertainment for now.. haha. ^^

~10 000BC~

i have a knack in remembering weird dates of stuff in my life...
its 9th of march.. and yeah.. and i remember this day very well..
it was my 1st time going out with a girl in my life..
the usual stuff, movies, dinner and walking you home..
but to be very honest, it felt really good at that time.. like it couldnt be anymore perfect than it should be..
ah.. certain memories remain in my mind and heart..
it was a very good night 3 years ago..
and i thank you for that..
in a way, i do hope you remember...

im glad im alive and still making awesome memories..
good or bad.. it doesnt matter..
what matters is that i have people around me that i can cherish with..

once a friend, always a friend..

anyway, change your world was awesome.. it was handled really well.. im proud to be a part of the team although i played a very minor role.. and i hope i did my job well..


now i look back, to be very honest.. i wouldnt hve imagined how i would be now..
having an education in a forerign country..
experiencing winter,
having great great friends,
being part of a small community and helping out,
going for mission trips,
getting and giving supports,
and having a sweet girl that always sayang me gao gao.. haha..

but yeah.. i would never imagined my life is full of colour.. and it is bound to get more colourful in folds..

the BEST is YET to come!!!

~emooosheeeemooo~

erm erm..

you know.. after attending that talk..
i just realised..
that what i have with you..
is just more than attraction..
i have solid feelings and base with you..
we like a lot thgs together.. adn certainly.. you are a person who listens and understands where im coming from before you decide.. its really good feeling.. that you take what i have to say.. and you feel my opinion matter..
makes me feel like the world rotate around us instead of you..

well, besides.. your independent.. and strong.. you know how to live by yourself.. and then we complement each other..

its not that im a half and your the other half.. and together we make full circle.. its more like we both are circle which intertwinned and make each other feel good about our space..

i really feel the bond and im comfortable to share with you everything..

a lot has changed.. adn im glad we are going to be almost a year together..

i still feel there are much more happiness to come.
and certaintly you are someone who i love to be around with..


so thank you for making my life a good 1.. and making me feel appreciated..
i really feel good about myself when im around you.. and thanks for laughing for all my not so funny jokes..


and i sayang you gao gao....

oi.. dun say i never say good thgs about you ya.. hahah.. and i wil dump you if you get pimples or fat.. lols. hahahaha. im your bear^^

love you lee yen xian..^^

~Cloud Nine~

erm.. the last 2 pieces of nuggets gone.. haha.. back to the disgusting stuff..

well, god dont give me challenges i cant handle..

so...

bring it on god.. show me your best wrath.. and i show you my spirit!!

ah..i like to say stuff.. and becoming oversensitive.. ah well.. im sorry.. if i said something wrong i dont mean that.. but its just how i felt when it happened.. now isnt a very good time for me..

anyway... sad thing is.... kings might move to anaheim... no more sactown kings.. i mean.. they been there for years.. i been cheeering for them.. and now the team is going apart.. owh.. the agony... man, stay in sacramento.. stay.. and build to be the kings of legend...i know you guys can..

as for arsenal.. sad sad lost.. but yeah.. bounce up back.. and hope we get a treble.. finally its time to show some quality and how good you guys are..

to infinity and beyond.. hahahahaha..

awesome possssuuuum pom pom suuuuuuuuuuuuuuum..
and iron chef roacks.. ^^

~Red Comet~

RED! SIEG ZEON!!!!!

~blames~

well, i'm not really feeling well recently.. -29 is just too much for me.. haha.. i have no gloves, no hats, no long johns.. nada... just my overcoat and my ts.. in which, its not enough due to the cold cold chilly winds.. and yeah.. i think i'm falling ill.. so popped pills and slept..

in which i had this weirdest dream.. of someone.. ah.. i guess, i still have not really gotten over with... but yeah.. i guess i still care.. and i don't regret that.. cause that's who i am.. well, when i think about it.. i can say.. i was really being an ass getting upset and pissed just due to a phonecall.. guess im not really myself at that time.. i wish at time i could share to people how i am at times.. no 1 knows the truth..

anyway, in my dreams.. i learned something.. an advice which i long forgotten.. (my grandpa always have some weird advices, but yeah).. he said something like.. No one can grow alone, growth only happens when you are in a group of people.. i guess there is some truth in it.. he always told me, not to be a loner if i wanted to achieve my dreams.. you need people regardless of family or friends.. you need support, you need ideas.. and mostly, you need criticisms.. if you are someone who wants to improve others lives, start by yours.. be more open.. well, thats pretty much what he said.. and i guess i haven been following that.. i was toooo hot headed and stubborn to give in.. and i kept making the small things big.. in a way.. i guess i needed those few incidents.. just reminded me.. how i am actually.. i been very positive about it as well.. keeping myself in check at times.. learning to give new priorities to new things.. and im trying my best to start a conversation with my sister.. it nearly a year since i uttered a word to her(even when i was in the same house with her), but yeah.. im putting effort for it...

so does growth really happen when i have people around??

grandpa also said.. it depends what people around you as well.. i mean, if you hanged out with loving compassionate ppl, you turn the same way.. ad if you hanged out with ignorant people you turn the same way.. he said.. both has its goods and bads.. but it always better to meet a variety of them.. learn how to talk, and if you can talk, learn how to accept others views as well..

if you know how to make most of someone's talents, with your own, doesnt that make a success multiplies a few folds.. no one is entirely good, and no one is entirely bad.. respect whoever you meet, as they have came a long way to where they have reached..


i guess, if i want to be a doctor who can make difference in others life.. i guess i have to make a difference in mine.. not just by working and studying for my academically, but my conversations and how i treat others.. 1 thing i really should learn is how to forgive.. though its not my right, but yeah.. sometimes, you just have to forget what you heard and felt, and just carry on.. be more understanding lah mahes.. mmmmmm..

i know all of these, but someone, when the time comes, i get emotional, things go the other way.. i know i dont really get emotional much.. but i feel there is much to learn and much to be done..

and now that, i have realized more and more.. who knows.. 1 day.. that i can be proud of who i have becomed... im a weird guy.. who dont look for other's recognition.. but for myself.. maybe 1 day, when i meet my grandpa in afterlife.. he can be proud of me.. *smiles*..


anyway, i written a song for someone.. hahaha.. i actually written a song.. and i actually erm.. wrote guitar chords for it.. like lame right.. i concocted it out of the blue.. but yeah.. in a weird weird way.. a few said.. it sounds like zombie of cranberries.. aiya.. there are some similarities.. but then.. its my work..

well.. its lame.. and im still working on it.. and im gonna make her smile! after all.. she's been there for me.. this is the least i can do... i played the song without singing the other day.. and i hope she liked it.. its isnt so john mayer or jason mraz.. and its isnt so technically skilled.. but some simple chords strumming..


and.. i have strong urges to eat pasta and sushi... mmmmm.. but yeah.. circumstances.. im glad.. at least i have food for today.. for tomorrow, who knows.....haha.. its all still a mystery..

~valentines~

well, it wasn't the most perfect day of days..
and trust me.. i was beat when i got home..
and my body aching so darn bad..
im so fat.. period...
but yeah.. i ate my fill with food.. and sweets..
because this year..
is not exactly like the other years..

and to be very honest..
its faggy for a guy to say this..
but damn heavens, i feel loved.. hahaha.
weeeeeeee.. and its a good feeling..

im pretty half of the population of men,
are with their lefties and righties,
with a box of tissue..
looking at some really wrong graphics..
just to let some steam off..

so thank you so much for the video..
i appreciate it very much..
it was the most sincerest act that anyone did for me..
and you can really draw..
im still amazed by your talents..
wait for me come back,
cause im gonna sing for you..
i have some hidden talents toooo.. haha!
well, yeap, hopefully we have the time to go on a holiday..
you pick the place and pay for it.. and i will just free load.. hahaha..
anyway, yeah.. go pamper yourself with baskin and robbins..
take rum and raisins with their choco sumthg mix and makan..

and last not least..

lee yen xian
wo hen tou ai ni!*winks*

(ps.. i know the statement is grammatically wrong.. so bite me, and if you dapat pimple... im taking all those back.. wakakaaka.. ^^)

~exodus~

new day, new sem, new subjects..
whoa, time table seems pretty tough..
but yeah, im determined this time..
no more slacking much..
everything is new, but i have not forgotten yesterday,
because yesterday, makes my today, today makes my tomorrow..
valuable lessons are learnt..
thats why experience is the best teacher..
to be honest, im a little sad that im not the man i thought i was..
but nevertheless, i will be the man that i want to become in the long run..

hopefully things go way well.. its 7am.. weeee..
and im about to start another new step closer to my dreams..


excited!!

~fragile~

erm.. i think i have tooo much time around daydreaming.. and im NOT suicidal..

but the recent bombings made me think.. its my 2nd time, and 4th disaster in moscow that im aware off..

it got me thinking how fragile was life.. i mean, just imagine, im on my way back to moscow, with friends.. grabbing my luggage, and... KA-BOOOOOOOM... i drop down, bleeding, and slowly fading away.. and they say, when you about to die, you will see flashes of your life.. hmmmm.. what significant stuff i might flash.. my mother's smile? my 1st made friend? my success? seriously.. what i have achieved that i can call it significant? for the moment... i can't think any... so yeah.. another reason to live, to find a significant memory..

well.. lets say... i didnt drop.. but had minor injuries.. but beside me.. someone bleeding like a hose pipe... what should i do.. no no... wrong question.. what would i do? will i panic and leave him dying? or will i think something medical thingy, and try to help him out? or will i drop down to him, and help him say his prayers? wth?! but yeah.. what will i do? im not sure myself..

and let's say..i did fade away.. and some unknown russian dude.. just stared at me while i die.. wait.. thats gay.. erm.. some russian hot girl super pretty, stared at me while i met my maker.. will i be upset to that person? and blame her that she cant help me? and then haunt her bathroom? lols..

so lets say i did die.. and i met god.. and he ask me.. well mahes.. what have you done with your life? what on earth should i answer? should i say i was a good man.. or should i say, i was good, but errr..i had moments? or should i just say.. nah.. nothing much god, just the usual... haha.. and if god asked me what i have did so far? what should i say? that i have 1B for my upsr? but straight As for my pmr and spm? and i did represent my school for badminton and chess? i wasnt exactly a good brother.. and wasnt exactly a good son.. and im not exactly a good friend to many as well.. no finite answer.. so what did i do.. does all of that matter? did i do my human duty well? i ask god why so soon.. im still a virgin.. i havent made my 1st million.. i never made my 1st breakup, or relationship.. i never had a kid... and i never truly helped someone.. so what do i say.. or answer...

and okay.. lets just say i did die.. who is coming to my funeral.. my relatives? are you kidding? hahaha.. okay.. my parents and my sis will be sad.. friends? who would come.. will i be cremated or buried? who would miss me? who would shed a tear? well, naturally, on my funeral, some would cry.. but i mean, after sometime.. who would remember me?? did my existence just be erased like that.. that no 1 would remember a 'mahes' who lived in kluang... ah.. i guess hardly anyone.. partly because.. none is dependent or attached to me.. so even at death im alone.. hahaha.. like my grandpa likes to say, you come alone to this world, and you would go alone.. hahaha..

and that's said.. bottomline is.. i can't die young.. i have so much to do and so much to say.. at least when im like super old.. and i greet death like an old friend.. at least i have my resume filled up.. hahaha.. and hopefully god would be proud and said.. mahes, you lived well as a human can live.. haha.. at least i wouldnt have any regrets.. life is so fragile.. i bet i would pee in my pants, if the bomb exploded... hahahah.. but then again, i wanna make sure.. to those that i love and care... they know that i love them.. a lot..


and im not being emo. or suicidal or whatsover.. hahah. just a random thought at a random time on a random day.. while you stare at the rotating fan... hahaha!^^

~reflection~

after what all happened..
and after thinking for a long time..
i guess, i know why i feel so painful inside.. why does it hurt a lot?
mmmm.. i always told you that i love you, but i never showed it to you right..
yeah, i gave you a lot materials and all.. but that's isn't it..
i wanted to show affection, and always mentioned that you are very important person in my life..
truth to be told, i guess im very selfish.. i feel that i never tried to put myself in your situation.. (though i tell you that you should), and you always do try your best to accommodate others.. i never tried to understand you, who tries to juggle between yourself, your dream, your family and your friends..
making a choice.. between your family and dream is already so tough..
but, there i come, and increase your load.. by making you feel you dont appreciate a friend.. perhaps, im selfish in seeing you more often.. but i didnt understand.. that what you need is support and trust.. i was thinking of my own happiness perhaps?
it makes all those "i care and love you" words remain as words.. i never became a good friend to you to begin with.. and never tried to think about you..

i told you i wanted to be your "vitamins"... i guess i pretty much screwed it up there... never really there to uplift your spirits when challenges came.. heck, i made you came to see me, when even your own mother didnt have enough time to see you and missing you.. i really really feel bad for that.. i owe your mom an apology..

i used to think, i was a guy, among my peers to consider quite wise..
but i really really realised, that actually, i have so much to learn.. i know i should have and some how, made efforts to hear your side.. and feel.. to ease your burdens a bit.. i feel the toughness your are going through.. and i know im not making it easier for you..

i do know you care for me.. a lot.. i know that.. i dont know why at times, i want more.. perhaps, hearing of how other people done for each other? am i envy of that? i used to say i dont expect things from you, but i actually, i do it indirectly.. like you said, i list out the bill and make you feel bad for it....


i know and i see why.. you said that.. "if there is a one for you, its never me"... i really do know that.. i understand that..

but i promise to work hard..
to become a better person..
i will try to learn to listen more..
and feel more..

you are very very important to me.. thats why.. seeing you achieve your dreams.. and being there to take care of your family.. is important to me.. i know that.. i can feel it...

i want to be someone..

to be someone.. who even you can rely your emotions on.. to have positive influence on you..
it doesnt matter even if you are someone else's wife...or anything..
i hope that when im like 100 years old.. and finally greeting death as a friend.. i can tell him that.. i did my duty as a friend.. as a human being..

i will try to ease your pressure.. and learn..

not only to you.. but to the rest of the world..

a better mahes is what this world needs.. and i will climb my way there..

but for now... you need to chase your dreams.. and take care of your family..
and there are many challenges awaits.. i should learn to let you go.. i know its pressuring you.. cause you care for me a lot.. i understand that.. (gooodness.. i was so blind)..... i dont have any hard feelings for you.. and still give angpow to your kids in the future..


tee mei yi.... you always be a friend to my heart, my soul..
i hope that future will still hold us as best among friends..

im very sorry..

~vital burner~

i can't believe, but to say but i miss you.. haha..
weird huh.. die lor like this.. haha..
anyhow feel happy though...
quite happy we did manage to talk on new years eve, though it was brief..
i know you have a long path ahead..
and new journeys..
wishing you the best.. jangan nakal sangat je...


alas.. my dog does not hate me..
1st time.. he is wagging his tail, and approaching me.. *pats head*
well, i guess not everything was difficult..
2010 was 2010..
i'm pretty sure.. i learned a lot from it..
i am a man, aren't i..
haha..

resolutions were made again..
read my 2010's...
i actually reached a few of them unknowingly.. haha
but 2011.. resolutions are tougher..
its time to put a stop to all that..
mmmmm.. big big thoughts in my head..
have a lot thing to prepare and do..
but.. wonder if all can work out..
mmmmm... think more tonight..
yeap yeap..
im more at peace..
and besides, someone loves me.. haha.. a lot..
sayang you gao gao.. haha..
2010 was worth it.. lets make 2011, filled with more discoveries.. *winks*


i'm going to be someone i think i can be..
lady luck is never running short on me..
so work hard for this year..
and hopefully everything will fall in favour..
*mahes smile&winks*