~PaperCut~

i actually wrote a lot different stuff here, but owh wells, i guess a lt happened this last few days, changed a lot, i wish i'm a better man than i'm actually am. but hey, life goes on, and i go on strong, gotta think of it, i actually am doing it,living it, and fighting it, at least each day i go out and putting up my best, and never stopped believing in myself, that's what i keep doing. yes i do feel tired. but then i know there is still a whole lot left in me, i'm still young, i still have my strong limbs, torn legs or not, but still, i am capable to do smething. even to make a miracle. that's a man i am. will be continue to strive, and continue

doesnt' matter if no one out there keeps me company or not, or a support from people you need, perhaps somethings are just destined to be done on your own. i barely care about those anymore, each day i come home, with a million reasons to quit, but there is still 1 good strong reason to go forward still, my heart and my breath will go on, i fight my good fight always, and keep being the person i am..i will continue to think that if you rip me open, you gonna find a heart and will so big, that it engulfs the universe.=)

anyway, that's that.. i really don't like my blog nowadays, so much negativity, but then again, the negativity stays here, haha. lucky that i have a place to put all the positivity there, and build on that, i don't have much time left, and not many people know it, but hey, i'm a fighter, shawn is right, i attract really wrong people for myself.. they are actually wonderful people, but i just can't seem to find the reason why its so difficult just to be around them. after so much i tried and tried, it still sinks, so yeah. i don't think for the time being i can do much anymore, i just can let it be, if it dies, it dies.. but then again, GERONIMO is an awesome word.. and the song brave heart sends chills to my spine, and memories gushing to my head a lot, and most of it, is memories of my mum, how i used to sleep on her lap and watch tv. hahaha. i would still do it, if it doesnt hurt for her.. haha. i guess i'm always gonna have this small kid part of me..and oh, i tried palak paneer, it kind of turned out well, haha. finally after 4 years.. haha. it tasted normal. popeye would have been proud. nevertheless, i'm blessed with awesome people around, and i noticed i tweet just too much.can't help it, when you have to let your favourite teams and people you look up know how you feel

~Metal Claw~

Things hasn't been as good as i imagined it to be, and most of it is due to my own actions i can't really understand why i'm being this way, has the fire extinguished already? i certainly hope so not, but nevertheless, got to keep pushing myself, because the only person that can get the best out of me is ME, saying that perhaps i need to really sort out my thoughts, at times i wish i could get some counsel, but then again another conundrum pops out,who?

anyways, i did what i needed to do, so that i don't feel that i owe anything from the person anymore..and it feels free and untangibly awesome. but then, i certainly wish the person the best, i made peace with myself already, and everything is kept in a box in my head, a box that i won't have to open anymore.

sometimes, i do wish that i am at other people's shoes at some reason, it seems easier( and most probably it is not), but then again, who can get through this periods in life, if not me, in my own life. i'm the best i've got and i have to believe in myself more, because end of the day, hardly anyone besides my family would believe in me. so i have to make up all that space made by other and fill em' up with myself..=)

and i know i have been sinning a bit, and doing quite a bunch of wrong things lately, and funny thing is, i stopped reading the gita.. and i can see i'm getting messed up more and more as the days go by.. so yeah, i need to read and read again daily, it keeps me clear headed. and seriously, helps me. but i'm not sure why i'm so reluctant..but it has to stop and the only way is i to put my mind into it again. and i need to be better diciplined and be better.. perhaps its just periods of life you felt conviction wasn't just enough, and you back slided, and did the wrong things, and you woke up one day think what in the blue hell you were thinking, and then try to get everything sorted.. its better now than later so yeah.. am trying my best, and i'm taking care of my own back

time will come that people will depend on me, and i would depend on them. i don't feel that its a sign of weakness. friends and family and other sorts of relations are supposed to make you better and make everything easier and makes things complicated as well. i feel like i should learn how to live better with people around me, be humble with my abilities, and try to learn as much as i can and then teach as much as i can. i need to have the right attitude towards all the little things, help those who can't really adapt or catch up quick, encourage, i think thats the best way i can trade passion for glory

so yeah. pretty much i need to keep inspiring myself and hopefully inspire others or even better find someone that brings the best out of me. nevertheless, i'm happy the way its been.=))

~WarHammer~

i used to be a bit naive.. and believed that friendship would last longer than eternity.. funny thing is, time and time again, i have been proven wrong. still my beliefs aren't wavered but nevetheless shaken..

a friend shom i used to joke that we were genetic besties, now hardly, for months tried to talk to her.. i did do my part to contact, but to no avail, we sued to be able to share just about anything, i used to be able to tell stories and everything.. but now, i guess, she doesn't need me in my life much longer so therefore, no reason to look for me. a person whom i sometimes look for advices and comfort. i really thought we would be friend's till end of days. but then everything left because met someone else, i was forgotten.. i don't hate the person.. or dislike how it is now. just feeling sad and pity for a loss so deep..

another friend, whom friendship blossemed in the soviet country of coldness, a friendship i never expected to have or rejoice about.. went really well, someone whom i can darely and freely go out with and talk with, without feeling judged and also kept cheering me on, at the same time, made me feel that my ideas and views was important.. just overnight, after an error by me, in which i profusely apologised, ended in an instant.. nowadays, only looking for someone to pass things for or to ask certain things, and even at times felt that avoiding me.. yeap, felt that bad..weirdest thing now.. i even feel that having a conversation face to face, would be awkward for that person.. but it doesnt matter.. i made peace with myself.. and thought rather let it be.. and if need help, just help out.. i dont seek any return or anything. then again, just a little dissapointed feeling that i lost a good friend..can only hope that you found your happiness that you wanted..

another friend whom stuff got alittle complicated.. always showered by tiny quarells.. but then still kept the person very very close to heart.. i used to not give up the friendship, no matter how murky things got, i held the sails really really hard, and fought through the storms, hoping that a calmer breeze would come through to guide to better place.. funny thing is, i always know i can sacrifice many things just for the person, but i also realised the person could not ever sacrifice anything for me.. i don't blame the person though, its one's choice and thinking, but at times i just have this thought after all we been through together, and the times i needed so much.. i can't seem to ask any favours or anything.. why? because i know she can't do it.. if she did, it will be consequences, in which, i can't repair or mend it anymore.. i know i have a lot of faults in the friendship.. really alot.. but sometimes i feel, she doesn't see her own , or tries to repair, she says she does, and changed, but its only for a week, and after that it goes back to the same.. till sometimes i just feel tired just to try anymore.. i used to think that i will always able to find and to initiate it.. but most the times been met with dissapointments.. sometimes i just keep quiet.. cause i don't know how to answer.. she only wants to spend time if something is wrong.. rather than just to talk, when both of us have good mood.. and if i said something wrong during diffiult periods, she would cry. and i can't bear that.. so yeah..i don't mind apologising to her even if i didn't have any faults.. i always wanna mend quickly with her.. i don't lose anything by humbling myself and saying i'm sorry, and just listening whatever she says..it's not like she wants to listen to mine, then she would say i like to bring up the past.. i just sometimes wanna explain.. but hey, if i am at fault, and saying sorry could end the scuffle between us, i would just do it.. because i don't like when we fight... that's why i don't try anymore to initiate.. if she wants to find me, then let her be.. weird thing is that, she used to say i could call her if i needed anything, and i did try recently.. i actually had no 1 else to ask from, and tried calling her, hoping she could help.. but to no avail.. perhaps she was busy or slepping, but she didn't try to message.. or to initiate to ask anything, if she sees my call, and not pick up because she doesnt feel like talking, perhaps i spoilt her so much by calling last time just to talk.. in which she takes me for granted nowadays.. sometimes i feel she just stares at the phone, sees the name and ignores.. just because she doesn't feel like talking.. sometimes i wonder, if 1 day comes its so important, that i would really need her help, would she just ignore it? i don't know.. and i don't blame her.. after all at times i wonder what she thinks i am, besides than someone who hurts her a lot.. it's my fault.. i made her that way.. and i'm in a place, where i don't know i have enough in me to save this as well, the stuff i been through, sometimes i feel, i just should give up.. because she gave up on me.. last time i didn't and held strong, but i guess she will never get hold of the sails.. it's alright.. that it ends this way.. i can't initiate or do anything for now...only can depend on her efforts.. if she ever tries.. it's too much to ask from her anyway, from someone who can't take a scratch for me..i just can miss her, and hope she is always alright, and hope, that everyday, she would make an effort if she can...

another friend who became friend, then complicated, then friends again.. sometimes i feel, that used up just for your boredom, and that is all. nevertheless, i do appreciate your trust and so fort.. but yeah.. to be honest, i am very dissapointed in you.. time and time again i warned and tried to advice you out of it.. but yeah its been your choice, and its quite sad to see you kept digging for yourself.. i jsut can't understand why.. why live in that fantasy.. why.. but i am trying not to give up. somehow someway, i would try to help you to get on your feet at least.. i prayed for you every single day, hoping some sort of enlightment would hit upon, and you would start to see things better. be clear of thoughts and ideas.. i just hoped that you could be someone whom you would be proud of. and then help to inspire others.. but yeah. i know i crossed my boundaries. and i know some of my "usual prep talk" are harsh.. but then again. i don't know how else.. to continue.. it will come a time i guess 1 day. i would just go away.. because its getting unbearable to see further.. as cliche as it is, i rather be blind and see you keep making the same mistakes over and over again..but i can just continue to pray for you, and hope, that you can turn the ship around for yourself, in the hard times..

well, there are important people of my life.. well, at least once a upon a time for some of them..i don't blame them because they have some sorts of their own reasons.. but sometimes, letting me know why you did, can at least make me understand. cause i just dont get it anymore.. funny thing is, these people left me when i really could have used advices and a friend the most.. i know i can be very difficult at times, but hey, i never gave up on you guys and did my best.. i just don't get it why you guys gave up on me so easily.. makes me feel so fragile.. anyway, just let it be let it be.. it's alright.. i guess this part of mine can finally laid to rest.. and i need to survive the other parts.. there is so much going on, and sometimes i feel like the weight is crashing on me.. i need to find strong pillars of strength and encouragement to lean upon at times. but i know and understand now, i can never ask from them.. because, they can never do that for me.. and i really really don't blame them.. nor feel anything or whatsover.. if the day comes, that they would need me, even when i'm broken or in pieces, i would still come, and try to help as much as i can.. cause that is the type of person i am.. i just can't give up on people i once cared very much.. i just don't know how.. doesn't matter if they taking me for granted, or what, i can't let this change myself.. i would still always do my duty as a friend as much as i can.. even making personal sacrifices... because i am like that.. but i'm sorry if at times, i just can't help feeling disappointed in you...cause in the end, you, did break my heart..badly.. but you never can break my faith on you..

anyways, good things, i am lucky to be blessed with a good friend.. scary thing is, i'm not sure how long it goes on.. would it end out as before? i can't say for sure, but i would be as i am, and do what i do.. that's how i was taught.. i will always have faith in you, even if you were to bring a knife to finish me off..

~Master Feel Sad~

well, it hasn't been the best but it hasn't been the worse..

i guess i learnt a lot these past few days, people i really cared the most, actually felt sad, and partly its due to me.. i dont deny it.. i should have stayed in a distance, and given the space.. that's what important.. what happened did happened when murphy's law kicked in..

but i guess given a chance to go back in time,

i would still advice the same way. cause i am cautious. but yes, its not my place to do it.. i guess i stayed around too long, and should only be there when she needs, rather than all the time, she cant grow the way she wants, if i butt in tooo much...

nevertheless, i still care and love her, and would always pray for her. that's what i should do.. i know its difficult times for her, and there is just too much at hands, just hope she strikes a balance within herself and regains focus to tackle one by one..i would be there if she needs, but that's as far i would go.. need to draw a line, because thats what she wants.. and i still believe in her, her roots are strong, doesnt matter how windy it is, i know she can hurdle it through and grow to be someone she wants, and i'm definitely fucking proud of her..she is still the most amazing person i have ever met..

anyway, i'm very glad i managed to do somethings in this holidays, followed advices of the ol'menon almanac, saying "when you are feeling shitty, stop someone who feels shitty". hahaha.. so yeah that's what i did. shared what i have and i feel much much better of myself.. passion reignited.. looking through the pictures, just makes me feel, i'm really really glad.. and hey, my photography skills are getting better, showed through skype and the person is like can you teach me how to edit. hahaha. just made my day..=))*i used to think people hated the way i edit pictures, i don't give a rat's ass about it anymore*

and the best part is, i felt really good this past few days.. amidst everything, i just felt really good spending time with self, managed to do stuff i been really wanting to do sometimes, having my own little short possible goals, and reaching them was really really a good feeling.. not only that, i found someone who i share all those feelings with.. and gets me all bubbly and excited again. and this is exactly the kind of boost i needed.. and she added with words saying, "hey thanks for keeping me calm, and thanks for making my day" just pushes my confidence higher..

i have to admit, this holidays which at first i thought wouldn't be so good, but actually has been turning out quite well, i never actually felt i was wasting time even when i was gaming, because all those little things like killing russian terrorist or catching a kling and evolving to klang..*seriously what in the blue hell is a klingklang..haha. go pokemon!#hoyeah!*, waking up at 4am just to watch your favourite team get beaten by 30 plus points, but still jumping up your bed and making weird noises when they score, and roomates gave you the "dude its effin 4am look*. i guess all this little things just adding up in making me grow, i feel happier doing stuff again.. things seem to be less crappier, and much more inviting.. makes me feel like i'm healing myself well.. perhaps i should start watching clone wars again, damn, i left that series hanging waaay tooo long.. blooodaay good clone wars.

i'm always intrigued by characters like yoda or mr.miyagi, i mean, i always wanted to be like them, able to differentiate whats right and wrong well, and no matter what stick to principles.. and i'm doing my best, and because of that i couldn't be bothered by a lot of stuff, because they don't seem to matter anymore. and i feel much lighter.. and oh baby yes!!! i been lip-synching, head banging, tongue rolling, to liverevolution undercover 2.. woohoo! jizzzinmypants. hahahahaahaha! that's the way to go. back to old school tmrevolution. hahahaaa! gotta love music i used to love again. hahaha! i feel so pumped up and great, feel like i'm ready to inspire the worlds and save lives!! so gonna buy a batman tshirt when i come hom, perhaps a superman as well.haha!=)) all in all, i know i wrote this post differently than the way i used to, because i wanted it to be different and yesh! i feel different babeh! so if you have a problem with that, i have 2 words for ya!**** **!!!! (i'll buy you an ice cream and apple pie, if you know what it is,clue is "break it down")

gonna go and watch arsenal going wild! go gunners, and go kings! i believe!!!=)))wootsie! going all gun-blazing!