~let it snow~

well, i think for tonight i have alot to get off from my chest, thus i guess i'm going to open that other blog of mine, in which i haven't wrote at all in a very long time, and pen down stuff that has been going on my head

first things first, well, sometimes i'm kind of sick of myself going all sort of teaching with lessons and stuff, it's so frustrating why i just can go straight forward, and just say it out loud. honestly, when you called, and i talked, and that first few seconds, all my innards and demons were spewing venom of anger and vengence, that started to slowly churn the cockles of my heart. i wanted to ravage and rejoice in the knowledge knowing that whatever you stood for and had are all going down crumbling. also in mind, knowing that you, now, are not even the half of the person i used to be with. just a mere shadow of countless disappointment and despair. oh, that part of me, was burning and brothing with all sorts of flavour of revenge. then there was this other side, that believed, that wanted and craved that you to be saved, and desperately wishing that you, by yourself to turn things around, the side that pity and cared. i can't and don't want to go back again. honestly.. so i acted in impulse, i can never tell you how embarrased or disgusted of how i felt of myself that night. but i wanted you to feel, that there is nothing left of you for me except of your flesh. so that you feel that you are used whenever with me, no longer safe, in pretense that you would have to keep away from me, for your own good.

i'm not going to save you or advice your or listen to your heart or to calm you down. you're grown up now, and you can do it by yourself, for that much i have always seen and believed in you. i can't tell you all how amazing you are, because of my ego and pride. just that.. i want you to be well.. cause no matter what happens.. how bad or how good you are going to turn out or even how ugly or beautiful you look..when i move that hair away from your face, let your eyes fix on the gaze of mine, and we look at each other.. i know it's still you, and i loved that of you to bits.

but i am letting you go, and letting myself go, for only you chose it to be. so yeah. life goes on. you don't need me, because you are strong on your own. it's just that ou forget it sometimes.

well... back to getting new headsets, did i mention that, i'm planning to get that and prolly try to bake my own cake in sometime soon. that would probably, be a first. for now some thrify month and saving up, and save up. and i should stop indulging and sinning, and start working harder and harder. monday is the last cycle for this semester. and blimey, i'm left with just 3 semesters before i be a true doctor.(so going to get my sonic screwdriver). and they were right, i shouldn't try to change myself, just need to close my eyes, and listen to the sound of the universe resonating. things would go well. and oh, if the world is ending on the 21st, i'm making chicken curry, so tag along if you want to.

sometimes i really wish i'm that interesting to her. and she does want to spend more time with me or so. i just get the feeling i would be disappointed. can't help it. move along menon

~Indian Songs~

well, to sum up my week, yes i've been slashed by an angry dude with a kitchen knife, lost my glasses, didn't do so well for exam, but towards the end, i did kind ahad a good day for deepavalli.

for a first in a very long time, i suppose, well, erm, i did feel butterflies and a bit *ohmygodohmygod* when she said she would love to come for the event, and so, the day came, ironed my jippa, *couldn't find the pants, so i wore slacks, and you know what, it had pockets and i loved my pockets*

anyways, she came with her simple dress, we met in metro, i was in my jippa, we went, we talked, we laughed, she leaned on me during the pictures, *i hate when they smell good, somehow i'm very enticed by them for days*.. and thats effing depressing..

anyways, we ate, and couldn't get into the hall, so we decided to bail, and go to starbucks, had a cup together, talked, and went home, messaged each other, and i told her i wanted to sleep *but in reality, i just wanted to have time on my own*..

anyways, it did kinda go well, so i'm grateful to god in a way, the cut could've been worse, the glasses was the least of the worries, and the bad things would have happened on the celebration, but everything did happen the best it could, so yeah, pretty much big guy up there toook everything, and little debris hit on me, *im strong enough to brush them away*, its never going to slow me down.

1 thing i should be doing is my extra studies, i really need to work hard again. hopefully i can get back my momentum.

and i miss mum, dad, px, sis, family, close friends, and home, next year probably will be the last deepavalli here, and after that probably i can be around home. and its going to be great.

i'm grateful honestly=)

~Undying days~

well, the past week was more than not maybe a little hitting on the lower end. i did succumb in doing it again, which i really try my best not to.. but.. i guess the "L" bug just destroys whatever will i have..

nevertheless, a single comforting thing comes from a teacher, whom i first had thoughts as bitchy.(meh.. my senses are so haywired). anyways, so called that she could see you through and read futures(senior's words).. the moment she touched me, she went "oooh, i don't know whether you believe in angels, but there is an angel looking out for you", and the first thought was the moon. Sue me. well, yeah. i like to think that the moon looks out for me. i just feel good when its around. childish thought but.. i suppose it does make me feel good.. and she said a bunch of other stuff.. probably, could mean anything.

i guess i'm still in the recovery period. i will get better and i need to work harder. there is so much i can drown for. sometimes i do wonder, am i like dust, till its too easy to forget me. i guess so.. i can only be me. but no one else.. i did wish things were different, but, i know it is what it is. and i can't look back, not anymore.

which comes to the kings. i did enjoy the game honestly, cross my heart. i saw them play and i felt really good, that few minutes, everyone was clicking and when jimmer hit the trey. i was like "if you don't like that, you don't like kings basketball", anyways, optimistic is the word to go for the kings this season. i really hope for the future

and finally, i saw random quotes of the doctor today.. which made me feel, a little cheerful to be honest, so here i am gonna share with you=))

the link is here=)) http://imgur.com/a/0o9fj

~Updatetomundo~

I’m not running away. But this is one corner of one country on one continent on one planet that’s a corner of a galaxy that’s a corner of a universe that is forever growing and shrinking and creating and destroying and never remaining the same for a single millisecond, and there is so much, so much, to see. Because it goes so fast. I’m not running away from things, I am running to them. Before they flare and fade forever. And it’s alright. Our lives won’t run the same. They can’t. One day, soon, maybe, you’ll stop. I’ve known for a while..

well, i wrote a crazy long message today. like crazy long. haha. now i feel silly cause i don't think the person would reply. ah wells. see how it goess.

I want to be inspired further and work harder, but i just seem to lose track of things.. i don't know how things going to turn out in the future, but i'm glad that i'm me.i know its sounds a little bit cocky, but i think i'm pretty awesome=)) so yeah. keep moving and moving, and yes things just went up a gear. everything moving fast, but i'm moving faster, as though a huge weight is off me. maybe it is? i don't know. i just know i want to read, i want to play, i want to go out, and i wanna eat sweet stuff all day.. and today am gonna cook something neat=))

today's plan is early dinner, resident evil while i'm eating, some gaming if there's time, but i want to read and read and read, or watch some educational stuff. need a little dicipline and all. but i realised now, i need to inspire myself most the times, i guess thats why i love doctorwho =))

~ThetaSigma~

Gallifrey- where thetasigma stole a magic box, changed his name and travelled the stars and cascades of burning constellations. weeeee! another episode today and the return of unit. can't wait for that to be honest. i hope unit will so asghkkllll. and the doctor goes cuckoo.

anyways, i really need to start getting up to another gear again, and work harder. kind of slacked off the whole week. and everything slowed down. and played loads of dota and watching angel as well. things are looking brighter ahead. yes there were periods where i missed a number of girls in my life. but we'll just leave it that as that. i think its better i move on than all of them. memories of them just going sad. and i don't like that. shall keep them nicely in a box

and ooh! i have a new girlfie, her name is alleria(lyralei), windrunnerrrr!!!!! i'm still learning to play her sort of a thing, and the record matchups are looking bleak, but seriously she is pretty darn goood=)) only my rhasta haven't lost a game yet, and barathrum and alleria lost a few times more than wins. in any case. meh. i don't really care of the records much.

today at the school stadium, they are having the sports exhibition, and i was asked to play badminton, with trick shots.. you know when you force yourself to do trick shots, it doesn't actually works. shall see how it goes, supposed to go there later, with sasha. see if anyone is there, want to ask them record some stuff. need to have some videos before my legs really gives way.

plans for studies, finish up kumars on haemotology, and then really read up paed's. i think its nelsons, not sure. ah wells. see how it goesss. need to work and less dota. i wanna be better, not just good, i wanna be the best there is, and its not easy, but im gonna be willing for it=))

~Seamless~

The thing is, this morning i just woke up with a thought, perhaps some corner in my mind you still exist. funny thing is i know how good of a friend i am to you. i came back for sometime, yet you never contacted or tried to look for me. honestly i'm not sad or feel anything about it. but just felt a little pity. pity that i actually thought i was your close friend, or so you claim, but seeing how is it now, when you don't even look for me or anything. haha. just explains everything. i'm glad this saga between us is over. and i told myself i won't let anyone, especially you, to make sacrifices anymore. funny thing. this time i never missed you at all. this is how much i changed.

anyways, i regretted doing certain things, and i'm glad i managed to put to a stop. i need to focus and focus. things will get better and i need to step and man up to it.

and the last thing. the most important thing. god bless fooodddd!=)))) i'm so happy ate so much lately. and i'm feeling so gooodddd=))))

~Ripped~

there was I again, back in home, walked around town, i'm doing well, until i walked into a familiar book store in a mall nearby where memories of the year bfore rushed into me the smell of ink on paper, and the coldness of the floor, reminded me how much that those memories were made.. im definitely not going to live on those memories anymore.. though i replied her messages, but.. yeah.. i think i need to let go for good. not because of anything, because of i feel i deserve better.. after everything. it has come to that.. that i wont bend anymore, and take hits. i will keep myself happy, and thats a promise=))

Moon

Glorious times to write once again. funny thing is that it's been sometimes since i felt like writing. i know my writings are quite weird and not reader friendly. owh wells. i never try to polish my words or something. i guess thats my fault.

on the good note, i'm ending the 4th year with a few more classes and 2 more exams, before i'm bound for my well-deserved summer break(one can argue whether its well deserved), anyways, yeap everything is coming to and end, will be starting 5th year in a couple of months, before the long stretch in the final year, before i call myself, Menon.MD, haha!=))

well, this year must be a year of revelations, there were periods i'm very proud of, and definitely periods i could say, catastrophic, yes i did lost a great deal compared to what i have achieved, it might look that i lost a little too much, but then again, i think i redeemed myself. and that's important. my goals, my views, my feelings, my ideas, my ideals, haven't been reinforced in years. i feel i know what i should be doing, and just needto find the right ways to do it.

a couple of months ago, dad, said a lot of things.. to shorten it, he said, like the reigns of my life, is given to me, i am to ride it as i please, no one is going to say anything now, basically he is acknowledging me that i could do what i want.. funny thing, a few months later, i called him and told him that i needed guidance still.. i'm still far from what you want to say ready for life. hahaha. i'm no where ready. i'm better than last year but i still feel still much to learn, still needs a bit more seasoning, if you want the broth to really be good. so yeah. it's better i learn like this.

in terms of friendship, i guess i learnt a lot of things, but i am not wronged or ridden with guilt in my decisions, and the person did ask why i am so different than what i was told.. i am the same person, my loyalty is still there for those who are loyal to me, once you when overboard with disrespectfulness, and i felt really uncomfortable with it, i did try to talk to you but you were just being difficult about it. so yeah, my wrong or your wrong , it doesnt matter, what matters i dont feel like thrash anymore, sue me if i dont feel good when i talk to you. but i'm not gonna put up with that, and hang around, it's doing me no good. so anyways life goes on. i learnt who are my friends and family, and just maintain with that. and i am grateful, honestly, because there are many whom i can call as friends=)))

anyways, in terms of studies, i am a bit dissapointed, i guess i didn't work as hard enough as i hoped, a little too much distractions and all sorts. was it worth it? i don't know, but hey it's not too late, i can and will have to work harder now to compensate and to get myself better, i am not going to give up, and to start i need to start soon. curb my vices, be more diciplined, and more better. time to man up!

these last few years i'm calling them, the "crunch" years, this is what i am gonna be when i graduate and work, and turn out to be. so yeah. i have to be something and do something. i need to be master of my ship, and captain of my soul=)))

~Shadows~

i really tried to see positivity of my days.. but as times goes, the negativity keeps up.. and today, i really broke to bits.. and i don't know who to talk out too.. i felt robbed.. robbed of happiness that i always thought 1 day i could get.. is it so much i ask for? have i sinned so much to you that i deserve such a great test of faith? i'm coming to closer to place where i think i have to forgo myself..just to breathe..

it came to a point,i can't write much anymore.. or say anything.. it hurts a lot... i guess i always deserve such an ending... it just hurts so much..

~brick and bones~

i guess it's been sometime since i wrote anything here, partly i guess there is too much to write and to much to tell, however to simplify, i guess i have been rather blessed in loads of ways..

well, to start, i felt i didn't played well for badminton, and i feel that i didnt play to how i could, i hessitated a lot of the shots.. why? because i was afraid.. everytime i move i had this tingling sensation that something might happen, thus i never put total efforts to it.. i guess, evenw hen i won the gold medal, i wasn't as happy as i thought i would be. nevertheless, i won a gold. after so long, all the training classes and everything, i guess its the medal for that..a consolation to show that finally you touched where you thought you never will.. and finally can put badminton to a good end.. whether i would play tomorrow? or next year, i don't know i am just excited to come back malaysia and play with old friends

speaking about friends. i guess i am blessed.. no matter how difficult or long distance, these 2 guys, whom i know for alifetime, still manages to bless me.. in ways i can't imagine.. 1 with necessities, another with knowledge.. i just don't know how the puzzle that the gods and angels make, that timing haven't been so well, and things just fall to place.. it's just amazing.. i am very very glad that they see me more than friend, that they encorage and listen to me, at times, they know exactly sort of encouragement i need. words like, "tell me your holidays plan, i know you wont have much time, so i want to adjust my timing to yours or apply my anual leave, so we could hang out before you go back to your studies".. these words make me appreicated that, they actually look forward to meet me.. they never make me choose, but rather to find a common ground for both, so we both make equal sacrifices for our friendship. and that's really a warm feeling.. i am really blessed beyond words to say, i have 2 person, who never left me since i was 7=))

i am doing so many new things lately, and trying to be better, somewhat i know, somehow, for now i am limiting myself, but really i want to be better,and work harder... might be lacking of inspiration, but yeah, somehow i will pull through..

and i know i should be studying, but i couldn't help watching a debate between 2 young leaders from 2 different parties. and to be honest, its been beneficial to me, in common ground, both wants the best for malaysia, and i had to agree with the opposition saying that, it doesn't matter who malaysia votes for, most important, we make an informed unbiased choice based on all the informations and how to perceive who to lead us.. i just hope, more people like them will continue to struggle for the better of the nation, and yes i want to as well. so what i can do for now, is contribute when the election comes, and try to make the choice i deemed fit. and also to learn more about making the society better. that's what i can do for now

~Legend~

i'm not exactly sure why i wanna write.. but i just feel like writting for the sake of writing.. perhaps, times changed..

i know last week was filled with a lot of stuff.. and i let things get out of hand.. but right now, i guess, whats done is done, and i should move on. rather than dwelling in it. should remain cool and calm, and find that sense of mind..

nevertheless, i am content, with what i have.. thouhg its not comparable to others.. but needless to say, everybit of what i have is what i have.. and its been keeping me going on. and what i can do now, is to keep it strong and share with others to give them that extra booost=))

can't say that my body is 100%, am not sure why the muscles are aching constantly.. but perhaps, i been too active.. hopefully after gorky i could get a good rest form a lot of things.

cant wait for season 7 of docwho, i saw shades of hartnell in it.. OMAIGAWD AWESOME... i mean imagine the 1st came to save the day.. or even any of the classics, imagine mcgann to appear in an easter special trying to set thing right, and dingle dangle quirky with matt, my god its awesome.. hahaha

in any case, i guess i accepted this role of letting people walking away.. i guess i just have to sit and wait.. and wait for the right 1. i shouldnt forget to count the awesome blessings i had. i mean seriously.. if not for those little things in life.. i would have been so much broken and fatigued.. but its pretty amazing to think how much luck has been pouring for me..=)))

time to put all of it to good use=)))

~creams & dreams~

had so many new experiences the past few weeks, gave my 1st lecture(more like a discussion) but yeah. shared my knowledge to the juniors. i know its not much, but i'm really passionate in sharing what i know to everyone.=)))

meanwhile, things are been iling up, and i am starting to feel the heat, yes i am tired, but somewhat satisfied when i go to sleep each day that i have done some useful things in the morning. i guess it's safe to say, i am feeling happy

but in anycase, badminton training has been well, i do realise that i am not one of the main players anymore, and i need to embrace other aspects of the game like coaching and also helping out team mates.. and i hope nothing major happens this year. and i could really enjoy my trip in nizhny

i feel more and more towards being a doctor soon. i do realise there is more time to go, and i should buck up and work harder, to be where i want to be, sometimes i know i'm short of inspirations but recently i am glad that whenever i come home, there are people who cheers me on, and thats enough of a motivation to keep doing my best. a good sense of comfort to take away the fatigue

times have gone, and everything is looking to be in peace. surrounded by good people and good friends, felt of appreciated and loved. yeah! awesomeness! i guess i grew quite a bit more since the last time around. and i am glad.=))

~Shake&Bake~

i'm really glad where stand now. perhaps i'm not doing much compared with others, but at least i'm doing something. saturdays filled with days i teach, sundays and tuesdays with badminton, and fridays with movie nights, and all sorts of other things to get done. funny thing is how time passes, at times it goes swiftly and quickly, but then again, it can go really slow, but actually i think we do have some sort of control on the pace we are heading with. either steamrolling or just plain running with the flow carrying you.

i've seen some characters recently, that sometimes does get on my nerves, but then again, they don't.. but i have realised that i moved away from them because, i just don't want to be like them, or talk like them 1 day.. perhaps i would be alone, and wouldn't get some extra privileges and sorts, or gaining their respect. but i wouldn't be proud of myself if i did so.. mocking other students and looking down upon them, only being nice to those who are smart or popular.. i do my best to share, perhaps i don't gain as much as them, but what i know i did help others to gain as well, yes, you can argue that my parents paid my fees to get me to gain everything, but i know how my parents brought me up, and they would want me to help those in need, rather than seeing people having a hard time. after all they would say, we live for ourselves, but life is about others as well.=))

the games are coming soon, i had to let go something i really wanted to play after a long long time.. i actually erm. made training regimes for it, and made sure that i do follow them in a way.. and i feel that i was almost the same form i can remember, perhaps a little crappy, but then again. i was happy to play awesome again. but i know i have to let go, and to let go it is.. maybe next year, or a time will come=))

badminton again. i really hope nothing happens, i need to erm. control my aggression and hyped feelings. so that i dont go and snap anything again.=))

right now, i guess i can safely say, i'm quite happy.. except for the fact, my phone died. haha.. but lucky with mercy of a friend, he is willing to switch batteries with me all the time, to help me out, haha. sometimes i feel im always blessed=))and hopefully 1 day i will get that chance to share mine

in any case, sometimes i keep shouting"get them out of there" ala tennant. not sure why, i feel like. hahaha. imma the doctor!=)) really cant wait for the season to start, cause it will be awesome!!!!=))) ALONSY!=))

~Sploossh~

I think for the past few days i am becoming a tad more diciplined..*except for now* haha! should be studying but seems like i haven't wrote anything for sometime now.. good good dinner, imma indian dude cooking chinese food and sharing with my chinese neighbours*no part of that is racism implied*.. haha! anyways, yeah, thing started to settle down a lot, and funny thing is had an awkward chat with dad ,nevertheless i do miss him and mum much. am definitely looking forward to come home.=))

and now, to focus and focus! and keep pushing on! i'm rally happy for JEANNIE WONG* you so sexy*.. awww! this bestie laling of mine, received dean's list award in her 1st year at Boston Berkeleys! Omaigawd i'm so proud! hehe! treat you to movie again soon!, but yeah! isn't that awesome to see your dear friend being appreciated for being amazing like the way you know them!=)) i'm really excited! definitely will be saving up for your graduation!=))

and a few friends misunderstood me for having a gf now.. haha! errrmmmmm! really nobody since the last 1, but yes, i do admit i kind of interested with someone.. but whole new story there.. and yes, definitely will try to ask her out with you guys around=))bet all you guys will be jelly with me!but not really sure she can make it or agree to it..haha..~

so far in chessmaster i played to my rating undefeated, i'm always worried that i don't win games or finish games that i should win. and keep working on that. also im pretty sure, during in selection there are a ton of people with awesome abilities.. and i have no threats on them at all. just can do try my best with my favourite style and hope to have a fun game of wits.

time to continue working hard! and keep doing awesome and awesome work! i know i have a month time to study everything, and it is more than enough. so today is a good wake up call to remember and work for it. i can and want to be awzummmmm!=))

it's been sometime since i felt confident and motivated!=))

WOooooooHHooooo!=))

~Bound~

sometimes you think you know someone a lot, but sadly its not like how you think they are.. it all started, and then reached its peak when i refused a gift, so called i was being rude, because i said no, and crossed my fingers into a "X", the funny thing is, she wasn't a stranger or someone older, but someone whom i called friend, and then its should been very formal? i behaved like i did towards most of my friends, as on anydays, and she needed a different treatment? in any case, another person said, to ignore and not to talk anymore to her, saying its not worth for such people whom doesn't value friendship, but then i felt, maybe i should come clean, nevertheless, if i felt that she is hurt by that actions, then yeah i should apologise, even its not my wrong or my fault. so yes, i decided to come clean, why? cause i did appreciate the person to be a good friend of mine, like family, and what happens? with a reply saying, "glad that i think that way"... and she advising me, not to accidentally hurt? seriously???

she doens't understand how that reply, makes me feel? it made me feel like im feeding her ego and arrogrance, made me feel that for her to be right is much more important than the friendship? i mean, i had the mindset that its okay if i took the blame, to save the friendship, because to me, it doesn't matter that whoever its right, i just want my friendship to be strong, but for you, its important you to be right? and let go the friendship if not.. and that my friend, made me feel, you are not worth to be called a friend.. honestly, i feel i didn't make any mistakes to you. or anything. and there was no reason for me to apologise to you, but i was willing to go, stoop myself lower and say, hey, i'm sorry for rejecting your gift, and sorry to reject your kindness.. and you give me a nice egoistic reply?

you make me regret for apologising to you? seriously, its the 1st time i felt that. most of my normal friends would be, hey thats all right, forget it, and sorts. but you had to advice me? of all people you?? do you think you are that good and perfect as a person? really, your value just dropped a lot..

but nevertheless, you make me realise, that i am not losing a friend, really, if this is how you treat your friends and or if you even looked at me as a friend that way, i rather not be anyone near that to you. seriously, not knowing you would have been much better, i prefer friends who are sincerely and and well mannered, rather than someone whom i have to feed their ego just to maintain the friendship. you dissapointed me a lot..and do think back, in all those times you asked for help and assistance, for you for others, and even, when you found comfort from me, think again, how many times i asked you anything? you will always have this debt, and i hope you treat others better than how you treat me.. right now, i'm really glad that i know i didnt loose a great friend, but i managed to avoid someone whom can really hurt my feelings one day..

anyway, finally, i found someone who like tm revolution as well!! i know its lame, but really omaigawddddd!!!! how cool is that.. in any case, i find my mum to be very peculiar.. she asked me how's my chess going? im like whaaaaaat!? i told her the other day, i want to give it a try in the chess selections, and she was more worried about that than other things..anyhow, i really suck in chess, but not many people know, how much it changes my life and thinking, i have to say, i learnt that blooday game because of my bestest friend, i became better, because i had a "brother"...

i saw how much i grew in that period.. thanks to it. now i truly enjoy the game, win or lose, i know the purest of self of me is in there.=))

~PaperCut~

i actually wrote a lot different stuff here, but owh wells, i guess a lt happened this last few days, changed a lot, i wish i'm a better man than i'm actually am. but hey, life goes on, and i go on strong, gotta think of it, i actually am doing it,living it, and fighting it, at least each day i go out and putting up my best, and never stopped believing in myself, that's what i keep doing. yes i do feel tired. but then i know there is still a whole lot left in me, i'm still young, i still have my strong limbs, torn legs or not, but still, i am capable to do smething. even to make a miracle. that's a man i am. will be continue to strive, and continue

doesnt' matter if no one out there keeps me company or not, or a support from people you need, perhaps somethings are just destined to be done on your own. i barely care about those anymore, each day i come home, with a million reasons to quit, but there is still 1 good strong reason to go forward still, my heart and my breath will go on, i fight my good fight always, and keep being the person i am..i will continue to think that if you rip me open, you gonna find a heart and will so big, that it engulfs the universe.=)

anyway, that's that.. i really don't like my blog nowadays, so much negativity, but then again, the negativity stays here, haha. lucky that i have a place to put all the positivity there, and build on that, i don't have much time left, and not many people know it, but hey, i'm a fighter, shawn is right, i attract really wrong people for myself.. they are actually wonderful people, but i just can't seem to find the reason why its so difficult just to be around them. after so much i tried and tried, it still sinks, so yeah. i don't think for the time being i can do much anymore, i just can let it be, if it dies, it dies.. but then again, GERONIMO is an awesome word.. and the song brave heart sends chills to my spine, and memories gushing to my head a lot, and most of it, is memories of my mum, how i used to sleep on her lap and watch tv. hahaha. i would still do it, if it doesnt hurt for her.. haha. i guess i'm always gonna have this small kid part of me..and oh, i tried palak paneer, it kind of turned out well, haha. finally after 4 years.. haha. it tasted normal. popeye would have been proud. nevertheless, i'm blessed with awesome people around, and i noticed i tweet just too much.can't help it, when you have to let your favourite teams and people you look up know how you feel

~Metal Claw~

Things hasn't been as good as i imagined it to be, and most of it is due to my own actions i can't really understand why i'm being this way, has the fire extinguished already? i certainly hope so not, but nevertheless, got to keep pushing myself, because the only person that can get the best out of me is ME, saying that perhaps i need to really sort out my thoughts, at times i wish i could get some counsel, but then again another conundrum pops out,who?

anyways, i did what i needed to do, so that i don't feel that i owe anything from the person anymore..and it feels free and untangibly awesome. but then, i certainly wish the person the best, i made peace with myself already, and everything is kept in a box in my head, a box that i won't have to open anymore.

sometimes, i do wish that i am at other people's shoes at some reason, it seems easier( and most probably it is not), but then again, who can get through this periods in life, if not me, in my own life. i'm the best i've got and i have to believe in myself more, because end of the day, hardly anyone besides my family would believe in me. so i have to make up all that space made by other and fill em' up with myself..=)

and i know i have been sinning a bit, and doing quite a bunch of wrong things lately, and funny thing is, i stopped reading the gita.. and i can see i'm getting messed up more and more as the days go by.. so yeah, i need to read and read again daily, it keeps me clear headed. and seriously, helps me. but i'm not sure why i'm so reluctant..but it has to stop and the only way is i to put my mind into it again. and i need to be better diciplined and be better.. perhaps its just periods of life you felt conviction wasn't just enough, and you back slided, and did the wrong things, and you woke up one day think what in the blue hell you were thinking, and then try to get everything sorted.. its better now than later so yeah.. am trying my best, and i'm taking care of my own back

time will come that people will depend on me, and i would depend on them. i don't feel that its a sign of weakness. friends and family and other sorts of relations are supposed to make you better and make everything easier and makes things complicated as well. i feel like i should learn how to live better with people around me, be humble with my abilities, and try to learn as much as i can and then teach as much as i can. i need to have the right attitude towards all the little things, help those who can't really adapt or catch up quick, encourage, i think thats the best way i can trade passion for glory

so yeah. pretty much i need to keep inspiring myself and hopefully inspire others or even better find someone that brings the best out of me. nevertheless, i'm happy the way its been.=))

~WarHammer~

i used to be a bit naive.. and believed that friendship would last longer than eternity.. funny thing is, time and time again, i have been proven wrong. still my beliefs aren't wavered but nevetheless shaken..

a friend shom i used to joke that we were genetic besties, now hardly, for months tried to talk to her.. i did do my part to contact, but to no avail, we sued to be able to share just about anything, i used to be able to tell stories and everything.. but now, i guess, she doesn't need me in my life much longer so therefore, no reason to look for me. a person whom i sometimes look for advices and comfort. i really thought we would be friend's till end of days. but then everything left because met someone else, i was forgotten.. i don't hate the person.. or dislike how it is now. just feeling sad and pity for a loss so deep..

another friend, whom friendship blossemed in the soviet country of coldness, a friendship i never expected to have or rejoice about.. went really well, someone whom i can darely and freely go out with and talk with, without feeling judged and also kept cheering me on, at the same time, made me feel that my ideas and views was important.. just overnight, after an error by me, in which i profusely apologised, ended in an instant.. nowadays, only looking for someone to pass things for or to ask certain things, and even at times felt that avoiding me.. yeap, felt that bad..weirdest thing now.. i even feel that having a conversation face to face, would be awkward for that person.. but it doesnt matter.. i made peace with myself.. and thought rather let it be.. and if need help, just help out.. i dont seek any return or anything. then again, just a little dissapointed feeling that i lost a good friend..can only hope that you found your happiness that you wanted..

another friend whom stuff got alittle complicated.. always showered by tiny quarells.. but then still kept the person very very close to heart.. i used to not give up the friendship, no matter how murky things got, i held the sails really really hard, and fought through the storms, hoping that a calmer breeze would come through to guide to better place.. funny thing is, i always know i can sacrifice many things just for the person, but i also realised the person could not ever sacrifice anything for me.. i don't blame the person though, its one's choice and thinking, but at times i just have this thought after all we been through together, and the times i needed so much.. i can't seem to ask any favours or anything.. why? because i know she can't do it.. if she did, it will be consequences, in which, i can't repair or mend it anymore.. i know i have a lot of faults in the friendship.. really alot.. but sometimes i feel, she doesn't see her own , or tries to repair, she says she does, and changed, but its only for a week, and after that it goes back to the same.. till sometimes i just feel tired just to try anymore.. i used to think that i will always able to find and to initiate it.. but most the times been met with dissapointments.. sometimes i just keep quiet.. cause i don't know how to answer.. she only wants to spend time if something is wrong.. rather than just to talk, when both of us have good mood.. and if i said something wrong during diffiult periods, she would cry. and i can't bear that.. so yeah..i don't mind apologising to her even if i didn't have any faults.. i always wanna mend quickly with her.. i don't lose anything by humbling myself and saying i'm sorry, and just listening whatever she says..it's not like she wants to listen to mine, then she would say i like to bring up the past.. i just sometimes wanna explain.. but hey, if i am at fault, and saying sorry could end the scuffle between us, i would just do it.. because i don't like when we fight... that's why i don't try anymore to initiate.. if she wants to find me, then let her be.. weird thing is that, she used to say i could call her if i needed anything, and i did try recently.. i actually had no 1 else to ask from, and tried calling her, hoping she could help.. but to no avail.. perhaps she was busy or slepping, but she didn't try to message.. or to initiate to ask anything, if she sees my call, and not pick up because she doesnt feel like talking, perhaps i spoilt her so much by calling last time just to talk.. in which she takes me for granted nowadays.. sometimes i feel she just stares at the phone, sees the name and ignores.. just because she doesn't feel like talking.. sometimes i wonder, if 1 day comes its so important, that i would really need her help, would she just ignore it? i don't know.. and i don't blame her.. after all at times i wonder what she thinks i am, besides than someone who hurts her a lot.. it's my fault.. i made her that way.. and i'm in a place, where i don't know i have enough in me to save this as well, the stuff i been through, sometimes i feel, i just should give up.. because she gave up on me.. last time i didn't and held strong, but i guess she will never get hold of the sails.. it's alright.. that it ends this way.. i can't initiate or do anything for now...only can depend on her efforts.. if she ever tries.. it's too much to ask from her anyway, from someone who can't take a scratch for me..i just can miss her, and hope she is always alright, and hope, that everyday, she would make an effort if she can...

another friend who became friend, then complicated, then friends again.. sometimes i feel, that used up just for your boredom, and that is all. nevertheless, i do appreciate your trust and so fort.. but yeah.. to be honest, i am very dissapointed in you.. time and time again i warned and tried to advice you out of it.. but yeah its been your choice, and its quite sad to see you kept digging for yourself.. i jsut can't understand why.. why live in that fantasy.. why.. but i am trying not to give up. somehow someway, i would try to help you to get on your feet at least.. i prayed for you every single day, hoping some sort of enlightment would hit upon, and you would start to see things better. be clear of thoughts and ideas.. i just hoped that you could be someone whom you would be proud of. and then help to inspire others.. but yeah. i know i crossed my boundaries. and i know some of my "usual prep talk" are harsh.. but then again. i don't know how else.. to continue.. it will come a time i guess 1 day. i would just go away.. because its getting unbearable to see further.. as cliche as it is, i rather be blind and see you keep making the same mistakes over and over again..but i can just continue to pray for you, and hope, that you can turn the ship around for yourself, in the hard times..

well, there are important people of my life.. well, at least once a upon a time for some of them..i don't blame them because they have some sorts of their own reasons.. but sometimes, letting me know why you did, can at least make me understand. cause i just dont get it anymore.. funny thing is, these people left me when i really could have used advices and a friend the most.. i know i can be very difficult at times, but hey, i never gave up on you guys and did my best.. i just don't get it why you guys gave up on me so easily.. makes me feel so fragile.. anyway, just let it be let it be.. it's alright.. i guess this part of mine can finally laid to rest.. and i need to survive the other parts.. there is so much going on, and sometimes i feel like the weight is crashing on me.. i need to find strong pillars of strength and encouragement to lean upon at times. but i know and understand now, i can never ask from them.. because, they can never do that for me.. and i really really don't blame them.. nor feel anything or whatsover.. if the day comes, that they would need me, even when i'm broken or in pieces, i would still come, and try to help as much as i can.. cause that is the type of person i am.. i just can't give up on people i once cared very much.. i just don't know how.. doesn't matter if they taking me for granted, or what, i can't let this change myself.. i would still always do my duty as a friend as much as i can.. even making personal sacrifices... because i am like that.. but i'm sorry if at times, i just can't help feeling disappointed in you...cause in the end, you, did break my heart..badly.. but you never can break my faith on you..

anyways, good things, i am lucky to be blessed with a good friend.. scary thing is, i'm not sure how long it goes on.. would it end out as before? i can't say for sure, but i would be as i am, and do what i do.. that's how i was taught.. i will always have faith in you, even if you were to bring a knife to finish me off..

~Master Feel Sad~

well, it hasn't been the best but it hasn't been the worse..

i guess i learnt a lot these past few days, people i really cared the most, actually felt sad, and partly its due to me.. i dont deny it.. i should have stayed in a distance, and given the space.. that's what important.. what happened did happened when murphy's law kicked in..

but i guess given a chance to go back in time,

i would still advice the same way. cause i am cautious. but yes, its not my place to do it.. i guess i stayed around too long, and should only be there when she needs, rather than all the time, she cant grow the way she wants, if i butt in tooo much...

nevertheless, i still care and love her, and would always pray for her. that's what i should do.. i know its difficult times for her, and there is just too much at hands, just hope she strikes a balance within herself and regains focus to tackle one by one..i would be there if she needs, but that's as far i would go.. need to draw a line, because thats what she wants.. and i still believe in her, her roots are strong, doesnt matter how windy it is, i know she can hurdle it through and grow to be someone she wants, and i'm definitely fucking proud of her..she is still the most amazing person i have ever met..

anyway, i'm very glad i managed to do somethings in this holidays, followed advices of the ol'menon almanac, saying "when you are feeling shitty, stop someone who feels shitty". hahaha.. so yeah that's what i did. shared what i have and i feel much much better of myself.. passion reignited.. looking through the pictures, just makes me feel, i'm really really glad.. and hey, my photography skills are getting better, showed through skype and the person is like can you teach me how to edit. hahaha. just made my day..=))*i used to think people hated the way i edit pictures, i don't give a rat's ass about it anymore*

and the best part is, i felt really good this past few days.. amidst everything, i just felt really good spending time with self, managed to do stuff i been really wanting to do sometimes, having my own little short possible goals, and reaching them was really really a good feeling.. not only that, i found someone who i share all those feelings with.. and gets me all bubbly and excited again. and this is exactly the kind of boost i needed.. and she added with words saying, "hey thanks for keeping me calm, and thanks for making my day" just pushes my confidence higher..

i have to admit, this holidays which at first i thought wouldn't be so good, but actually has been turning out quite well, i never actually felt i was wasting time even when i was gaming, because all those little things like killing russian terrorist or catching a kling and evolving to klang..*seriously what in the blue hell is a klingklang..haha. go pokemon!#hoyeah!*, waking up at 4am just to watch your favourite team get beaten by 30 plus points, but still jumping up your bed and making weird noises when they score, and roomates gave you the "dude its effin 4am look*. i guess all this little things just adding up in making me grow, i feel happier doing stuff again.. things seem to be less crappier, and much more inviting.. makes me feel like i'm healing myself well.. perhaps i should start watching clone wars again, damn, i left that series hanging waaay tooo long.. blooodaay good clone wars.

i'm always intrigued by characters like yoda or mr.miyagi, i mean, i always wanted to be like them, able to differentiate whats right and wrong well, and no matter what stick to principles.. and i'm doing my best, and because of that i couldn't be bothered by a lot of stuff, because they don't seem to matter anymore. and i feel much lighter.. and oh baby yes!!! i been lip-synching, head banging, tongue rolling, to liverevolution undercover 2.. woohoo! jizzzinmypants. hahahahaahaha! that's the way to go. back to old school tmrevolution. hahahaaa! gotta love music i used to love again. hahaha! i feel so pumped up and great, feel like i'm ready to inspire the worlds and save lives!! so gonna buy a batman tshirt when i come hom, perhaps a superman as well.haha!=)) all in all, i know i wrote this post differently than the way i used to, because i wanted it to be different and yesh! i feel different babeh! so if you have a problem with that, i have 2 words for ya!**** **!!!! (i'll buy you an ice cream and apple pie, if you know what it is,clue is "break it down")

gonna go and watch arsenal going wild! go gunners, and go kings! i believe!!!=)))wootsie! going all gun-blazing!

~moonlight shadow~

the moon is waning out,

there’s none to admire,

these eyes are looking for you,

the breeze breathing,

the garden laughing,

no one to savour,

my little hands reaching for you

wind will keep blowing,

sun will be shining still,

nothing ever changing,

the earth and sky are singing for us to live,

for i can still hear their blissful voices.

to be honest, i have learnt so much this whole semester as human. i guess prety much loads more to go heh. nevertheless, i'm glad at times i don't forget for what i stand for. though temptations, rage, feelings might get the best of me at times, but i seem to be more stable the last few days. it's a choice whether i want it to get the best of me, and i know i have so much in me that is capable even lifting the heaviest block. i believe for what i stand for, and i will be honest to that. i will do my very best not to be shrouded by everything. be clear as the moon, and illuminate as much as the sun. for i am both!=) i know i hurt you a lot, and at times i do regret it very much. i really want to look after you, and make you happy and safe, and keep you well loved and healthy. i know i can be that man, and your man... i doing more than my best now, and will make sure i give you always good feelings with me.. sadly kings playing really bad recently, frustrating games over and over again. but hey, at least jimmer is hitting shots,and cousin doubling each night. hopefully they get some all star times. arsenal on 3 game losing streak.. owh wells. and seriously.. what in the blue hell is a munna? hahahahahahaah. 4th gym baby. let see if i can finish the league tomorrow.=)