~reflection~

after what all happened..
and after thinking for a long time..
i guess, i know why i feel so painful inside.. why does it hurt a lot?
mmmm.. i always told you that i love you, but i never showed it to you right..
yeah, i gave you a lot materials and all.. but that's isn't it..
i wanted to show affection, and always mentioned that you are very important person in my life..
truth to be told, i guess im very selfish.. i feel that i never tried to put myself in your situation.. (though i tell you that you should), and you always do try your best to accommodate others.. i never tried to understand you, who tries to juggle between yourself, your dream, your family and your friends..
making a choice.. between your family and dream is already so tough..
but, there i come, and increase your load.. by making you feel you dont appreciate a friend.. perhaps, im selfish in seeing you more often.. but i didnt understand.. that what you need is support and trust.. i was thinking of my own happiness perhaps?
it makes all those "i care and love you" words remain as words.. i never became a good friend to you to begin with.. and never tried to think about you..

i told you i wanted to be your "vitamins"... i guess i pretty much screwed it up there... never really there to uplift your spirits when challenges came.. heck, i made you came to see me, when even your own mother didnt have enough time to see you and missing you.. i really really feel bad for that.. i owe your mom an apology..

i used to think, i was a guy, among my peers to consider quite wise..
but i really really realised, that actually, i have so much to learn.. i know i should have and some how, made efforts to hear your side.. and feel.. to ease your burdens a bit.. i feel the toughness your are going through.. and i know im not making it easier for you..

i do know you care for me.. a lot.. i know that.. i dont know why at times, i want more.. perhaps, hearing of how other people done for each other? am i envy of that? i used to say i dont expect things from you, but i actually, i do it indirectly.. like you said, i list out the bill and make you feel bad for it....


i know and i see why.. you said that.. "if there is a one for you, its never me"... i really do know that.. i understand that..

but i promise to work hard..
to become a better person..
i will try to learn to listen more..
and feel more..

you are very very important to me.. thats why.. seeing you achieve your dreams.. and being there to take care of your family.. is important to me.. i know that.. i can feel it...

i want to be someone..

to be someone.. who even you can rely your emotions on.. to have positive influence on you..
it doesnt matter even if you are someone else's wife...or anything..
i hope that when im like 100 years old.. and finally greeting death as a friend.. i can tell him that.. i did my duty as a friend.. as a human being..

i will try to ease your pressure.. and learn..

not only to you.. but to the rest of the world..

a better mahes is what this world needs.. and i will climb my way there..

but for now... you need to chase your dreams.. and take care of your family..
and there are many challenges awaits.. i should learn to let you go.. i know its pressuring you.. cause you care for me a lot.. i understand that.. (gooodness.. i was so blind)..... i dont have any hard feelings for you.. and still give angpow to your kids in the future..


tee mei yi.... you always be a friend to my heart, my soul..
i hope that future will still hold us as best among friends..

im very sorry..