~ego~

sometimes.. i really don't know who to look for advice....... feel like i have no one that actually understands or 'know' me..... owh well..... haha....

*facepalm*

stand tall, stand strong!

*crazy horny smile*

hehe!^^

~coffee~

i made breakfast today.. as in something proper..
i feel very eased, drinking hot black coffee, while letting the window open..
it was one of the few morning i woke up alone in the room
my burmese room mate really dont like the window open,
he is not used to the cold.. and who can blame him -18 wind blowing in..

anyway,
20 days.. before long trip back..
i'm not sure it was the right thing to do looking at the circumstances..
but it was definitely what i wanted to do..
so, here i go again, being selfish..

hardly been sleeping..
taking naps like 3 to 4 hours a day..
working really hard.. but at times i do get distracted.. (damn nba 2008)....

well well..
say i came back..
is it wise for me to try again..
somehow i know what the answer will be like..
but then is it worth it.. i dunno.. so..
im taking a leap of faith..

i think i been staying in my room alot...
but i think its worth it.. its okay what others think..
for me.. i feel this is the way.. my way.. so yeah! i do in what i believe..

there is a lot things to do..

i do what i can do now, for my tomorrow..
=)

~trump~

*takes a deep breath*...

feeling out of juice..
must hang on..
i know sitting at my table everyday.. is not really that fun..
and i cant be slacking like this..
must squeeze all the zest of me..
and continue to carry on..

come on bro! stand on your feet..
and shine.. encourage yourself more.. and dont give up..
you would find strength..

and help others to be stronger..

*roaaaaaarrrrr*.. haha!^^

~scarlet sand~

I see my infinite dreams coming to an end
Sparks are flying, but my spirit will not break or even bend
Now I see my destiny only brings me pain
Now the sunshine and the shade are forced together again
I choose to follow the light
Flowing through me here tonight
(addicted to the song.. wooooootsssss)

life is good..
but its cold nowadays.. cant predict the weather..
i think i'm falling sick..
wear wrongly today...
feels so cold...
but i like autumn very much..
feels so peaceful..


sometimes i feel helpless..
but that's how it is..
you push your best,
but the other's doen't..
perhaps don't know whats at stake?
can you expect the to listen to you, though older..
i don't know..
feel like to shout and scream..
but..i can't..
that's not my strut..
i forgive the wrong made to me..
its okay..
blood is thick..
but why repeat the same..
forget that i do have feelings too?

oh god.. what should i do...
to give up.. or not to give up..
i don't want see mummy cry...

~words~

a trip to remember..
or
a trip to forget..
a lot has happen, in the minds of lust of men...

how cruel it has been..
seeing someone
longing for another..

anyway,
life has been like always..
after clearing every pathway..
a new blockade stumbles upon..

i don't want to listen to my heart anymore..
though i can feel its cries of truth..
in a way..
i would prefer my conscience to lie..
it makes me a happier person..

i'm not sure whether to take the leap of faith..
what i am sure is that,
i long for that feeling.

time is too short..
and understanding isn't a common..
but i hope..
that 1 day..
i would understand.. all..

as of now..
i can only imagine..
how and when..
they do not know. what pitfall i'm in..

but a thing is for sure.. i will climb out of it..
too much sweat and blood been spilled..
blood and sweat of people who matter to me..

~head over hills~

i guess i messed up pretty bad this time...........

i should have seen where she was coming from..
should have controlled the words..
should say such things...........
yet i did.....
why?
i forgot to breathe?

no alibis for me..
i take all fault......
haih.....
im such an asss...

hmmmmm.......
i dont know who else to go to.....
why i keep making things so complicated.............

~hunter's row~

hmmm.. its been.. a mixed feeling kind of a week..

a lot of stories i heard from dear one's...
sad that all my efforts to assist them.. seemed futile..
but some of them thanked for the effort..
felt, appreciated...

but my own.. story..
wasn't really that bright...
i had this fantasy..
a very wild fantasy..
but.. now i think..
it will remain as a fantasy..
and i can't do anything about it..
can't contribute..
but yeah.. i'm looking forward..
maybe have to change the style a little...
losing my trademark skills..
feels like i lost a part of myself..
well..
this is life i guess..
sometimes..
a man got to do, what a man has to do..

will shake it off.. and look forward to it....

~krasni~

PX...still hates me... haha.. well not hate.. but just oblivious of me.. i must be some sort of dog repellent human..

failed to annoy mum.. whatever, the goatee, the words i use.. the pix i showed.. erm.. she is not annoyed at all.. she is happy im home..

dad, still the same.. maybe not as strict as last time.. well.. i hope no more curfew for me..^^

~nagas~

when things go very wrong,
the best i can do is to smile..
that how i grew up..
i know i'm walking on a thin line..
but yeah..
i know end of it..
there is a patch of lush green grass
waiting behind the barren hills..

~implication~

woke up..
wondering..
what in world i did yesterday...
admit was a little cranky.. and grumpy.. haha...
not enough sleep..
had to rewrite my whole book, what to expect..
sadly..
i said stuff..
that now i regret...
jatuh maruah ad..
lols..

~prem~

prem.. love.. well, isn't it what it makes thing go around..

i'm not talking about the korean dramas or the hollywood type of love that we see on tv all the time..

i'm talking about the covenant, commitment, care and compassion we give one another..

well.. this sort of infatuations, and feelings, are indescribable nor can be replaced..

weird enough.. i believe nothing in this world can fully be meaningful or contented if there no such love..

well, you can give without loving, but you can't love without giving... that are some principles i held onto.. when i hold certain people dear to me.. i gave what i thought would be appreciated by them..

a few days ago, i saw 2 old people, walking in the park.. holding hands.. well.. i do wonder how in the world.. they live with each other for such a long time.. amazing..

well.. i hold a few people in my life very dear.. and most the time.. i do my very best to be around them.. maybe certain times.. they wouldn't like it.. nor maybe irritated by my presence.. i just want them to know my warmth is there for them..
no matter how their response is.. i will still coming back to them...

naive as it seems.. to me.. once i loved them.. i love them with my heart and soul.. and this.. is not something that goes away by distance, poverty, illness, nor loss of beauty..

~defence~

smile! smile!
and everything will be alright..
work hard mahes!
a lot must be done to achieve your dreams..
^^

~unwordly world~

whatever happened, or about to happen, or will happen..
do what you do best..
smile at it!
that's the person i know..
^^

~sling shot~

just back from class.. extremely hungry, but far more lazier to cook anything.. im deciding to sleep it off for now..

went training again yesterday, been playing badminton about 3 to 4 times a week since a fortnight ago.. body aches and fatigue is what im feeling lately.. a lot of wear and tear.. the varsity games is next week at kursk, from what seniors says, its about 8 hours bus journey from moscow.. the thing that has been boggling our minds is safety.. a lot of incidents has been going on..

disappointment yesterday, but proud of the team... arsenal played well..but, just 1 person has taught a lesson to them.. well, good luck barca and messi.. they deserved it.. and this morning, kings played superbly well.. just to lose the match at the end to spurs tenacious defense.. well, they still showed heart for the game.. and thats pretty good enough for me for now..

need to do my laundry later.. but very very lazy to do anything.. i haven shaved in some time.. doesnt seem hairy.. lols..

room mate still in hospital.. biochemistry is a pain in the rear.. physio test next week, and i havent done anything..

jealous to those that has someone to cook for them..... there is like a rock concert in my stomach now.......

god im lazy.....

~justice~

just back from badminton... kind of pleased with my investment.. hopefully this 1 lasts as long as it should.. no regrets!!^^

had been a weird week... sometimes, i do feel odd going classes alone and all. thank god all my friends are doing great.. and i cooked for more than 90 people at easter.. and it did turn out great.. not an easy task cooking for so much.. hahahah.. this is the 2nd time after the broccoli soup at women's day.. pretty tiring stuff..

and.. im missing n0killer.. hahaha.. like a lot.. havent crapped with him like a super long time.. mana lah this budak disappear in sunway...

looking forward ahead..^^

~autumn~

나는 가을이 좋아, 단풍을 좋아하거든 ^^

~show stopper~

this is getting even weirder.. i'm miserably happy.... i dont know how else i can describe.. just that, i finally achieved what i have been hoping for since end of spm.. just that, i cant seem to be happy about it.. after so long.. and gone through so much.. and now its here.. in my hands.. but, im just not contented at all.. for some reason i cant make people around me happy as well.... dang! i thought this is what i actually wanted since ages ago... perhaps due to a lot of sad things have been happening to the people around me lately?..

i made another huge blunder again.. the same 1.. its like.. im repeating it again and again.. hmmm. when will i learn from it!?!?!?*pffft*.. i cant break again due to this.. i need to face it.. if that is fate.. then so let it be.. i cant do no more.. i sowed the seed, and tried my best for it to sprout, and if the seed refuses to sprout with me, let it be with someone else which it will grow strong and beautiful.. at least its willing to sprout then..

and i just watched heart break kid's swansong match.. really broke my heart.. i mean.. i grew watching him, until today.. when he retired.. will definitely miss the sweet chin music and all..

last sunday was major improvement.. can do a bit better next time.. must muster more courage and confidence.. yup.. yup.. am so nailing this.... who knows if i got lucky.. *grins*

ooyiru poone maari yirukinu.. ye yende manase mansala akenu ila??

practice! practice!
^^

~bloody rose~

i went to physio class today... the moment i stepped at lubyanka to interchange to the purple line), smell of flowers stung my nose.. i saw a lot of people, walking with their hung heads, carrying flowers towards a small memorial in the middle of the station... the sight was just too solemn..

to make things worse, some of my friends were involved.. 1 of them was my room mate too.. its the 2nd day, i visited them,and brought some food for my room mate.. he will be discharged soon.. but still it was his last year here.. things just had to go wrong...

i still remember how much fear i felt that morning.. trying to contact both my room mates.. i saw them leaving earlier that day.. and right after the incidents.. i been trying to contact them, to no avail.. the government was hampering the lines, and the line were overloaded as well... finally i got through to david, who told me he is in the hospital at that time.. but couldnt contact andrew at all.. finally he showed up at the door, panting, due to walking for some time, as all mode of transport became difficult.. i thought the worse had happened to them..

we both then went to the hospital, it was one of our uni's hospital.. and it wasnt during the visiting hours.. we showed our student pass, and brought our white coats... and went in as medical staffs..

hopefully things would be normal after this..

~shaken all night long~

woohooo! ac/dc.. hahaha.. just heard this song again..

definitely going through it.. whatever happens. happens.. cant think too much or i cant sleep anymore..

last week, was pretty good week for me.. but then, some of the people i care, had a major blows in their lives.. just had a long chat with godwinna a few nights ago.. her dad past away due to lung cancer, and he wasnt a smoker nor had any bad habits.. well she is taking it well.. but then, knowing her..they used to tease me mummy's boy in college, and her as daddy's girl.. i know the lost is unbearable.. but will pray for her.. thats the least i can do besides consoling her the other day..

and another friend.. heartbroken.. somehow i was involved.. haha.. the guy comes to me..heartbroken.. after that the girl come to me, feeling guilty.. im their pillow i guess.. headache.. to makes things complicated, he has some value to her, and she rejects him.. haihs... its good to see they be together..

so here i am.. blessed with a sudden good fortune.. in which, im faced with a lot of sad conundrums of my dear 1s..

~boheimian~

strange... strange.. strange week..

flipped a coin.. heads.. taking this route.. and not looking back.....^^

~heart broken kid~

nope.. not shawn michaels.. haha.. but i do wish to perform sweet chin music to someone someday.. *ka pang*.. and the person on the floor.. haha..

well.. last week wasnt a real good one i guess.. took some things for granted and got screwed over for it.. heard some comments.. disappointed with certain people.. and with my self..

anyway.. in a bigger dilemma now.. no idea whether i should do it or not.. like really should do it or not.. well they say you cant have everything.. i hit a fork on a road.. which.. the things i want is on different paths..and i cant choose 1 over the another, because, i want them all.. and i cant give up on 1 thing.. and the weird thing, is that whichever path i choose.. there is a huge huge possibility.. im going to regret over it, cause it may not last or it cant be done..

should read the gita more.. make it as a routine.. seeking guidance..

i will do what i must..
*kapow!!!!* ( did the sweet chin music on fate).. ^^

~ka pow!!!!!~

hmmm.. stuck with a dilemma.... having a lot of choices.. not really sure.. which to take.. some is beneficial to me.. long and short term.. some is beneficial to others for a long term... anyway.. i should try save up 1st..

eeekkkss.. more bad news from home.. i must be praying wrongly.. but then.. this time.. is weird.. i took it... awfully good.. in fact.. made a joke out of it.. haha.. what to do... i cant go any more lower, can i?

preparations of the games is bad.. im still having the fat feeling... need to control my diet for now.. eat proper stuffs.. instead of fast foods.. should get back to shape.. need more intensive training.. i really dont know how to play badminton..

made a mistake in something.. such a bummer.. dumb dumb giler.. hopefully things dont be so cold... ^^

~cerita lama~

hmmm.. how do i put it.. saw an article.. hahaha.. it looked like something i wrote in my diary a long time ago... it felt the same.. just felt pretty amazed how much things had happen.. how much i have morphed.. how much time has past since that day..

wow.. i must say.. i am a big boy already.. hahaha. no more sniffling kid or any sorts..

nowadays.. im suiting up..flirtatious.. and casual.. well.. no idea what had happen..

when i see a pix of myself..2 years ago.. and now.. and compare.. i feel good. how much better i have become.. not to forget handsome.. but yes.. how much i have grown..

i so going to finish the race.. ^^

~requiem~

well, as lame as it sounds. just now, i just read most of the blogs i published in my personal blog.. it has hit more than 120 post so far, never knew there were so many, and my god are they long... the way i wrote it down, was so naive-like, but then full of grammatical mistakes..ah well.. i can't really write creative stuff anyway.. though i wish i can write somethings that can impact people's lives.. haha..

well, i saw a few funny yet memorable posts there.. one of them is when i missed the train with my housemate.. well, the train was due to 8.30pm, and the taxi driver came late to pick us up.. well, we raced to butterworth as soon as possible, only to find the train leaving.. we got back into the taxi, and headed straight to bukit mertajam.. hahaha.. the adrenaline rush i felt that time.. was just.. speechless.. we were chasing the train, we could see it from afar.. and we reached the station, just on time and boarded it.. seriously, it felt like i was in a cowboy movie or some sort..

and also, the daily posts before i left to moscow.. well, i must say, i really felt im leaving everything behind.. i was scared i will be replaced.. replaced as a friend, as a student, as companion.. as a son.. well, all of those happened.. my best friend found a replacement for me, said that i'm demoted..... my teacher's found a new favorite student.. the people around a replacement of my jokes and laughter.. and last summer, i realized my mum replaced me.. it was an incident, where my mum ignored my goodnight wishes, and wished my dog goodnight instead.. she said, "at least p.x(my creature's name) never leaves me".. hahaha.. she was being a little upset, of me not being home most the time.. sorry eh mum.. dont mean it that way.. well, all of my fears became reality... but lesson to be learned, is that, every second in the present, is something i should relish it now.. because perhaps someday, i might lose it i guess..

another is, my 1st date, im not sure its date, but it was an outing with a girl.. ate dinner, watched movie, i walked her to her apartment.. well, the weird thing is the way i wrote it.. like so gooey gooey in love like that.. hahah.. jiwang giler.. haha.. 1 outing with a girl at bight and im talking about the stars.. wait til i get married i will be talking about the universe.. lols..

anyway, what i want to stress is that.. how much change happened to me.. well, i think i changed pretty much.. owh well.. 5 years from now, when i read this back, i wonder what i can think and say about myself. haha..

a lot doesnt really know, but, i have this weird habit of writing in a way such that im writing a letter to myself. but i write them in my diary.. well, i cant wait to go home and read my oldest diary.. i bet its full of stories much i tried to get away from my mother's punishment...and also.. the death of certain people..anyway.. yeah.. i wanna read again.. im hitting 20.. just maybe a quarter of my life in total.. how the future to turn out? that is my guess...

quote: 2nd october 2008, i said, "i want to strive the best, be 120% ready.. so much in the world to look out for"

hehe! thats the plan!^^

~imaginary ark~

i havent been myself recently.. there been many thing going through my head...and i did break out of frustration at badminton... my groupmates were surprised... to see me.. in such way... they felt, weird and strange of no more laughter from me..

i dont seek attention.. i feel bad of my actions.. i hope i get my mind straighten out.. i need back my dear lady luck again.. i know why she is away.. i will do my best to fight the cravings away..

so please strengthen me.. i must do what i have to do.. i need to get a grip of myself.. a good pair of ears maybe is just what i need. no one in my contacts is who im able to contact and talk too..

im broken now.. and i know i will come back again.. stronger.. so till then.. i will rebuild myself.. i cant let emotions get better of me.. i cant let these cravings get better of me as well.. i will break this spell that im going through....and that for sure....

~naked dream~

i had just had the weirdest dream just now...... in which i came to a place where i'm very familiar and fond of..... yet blurry in the daze.... i met someone whose voice, i remember always.. someone, who was closest to my heart.. and someone who i opened my life to.. a advice was given... given to me in the tongue i 1st learned.. i still feel the warmth of the arms that embraced me....

loosely translated, it meant...

no one is afraid of height, but they are afraid of falling...none are afraid to compete or play, but they are afraid to lose... nobody is afraid of the dark, but , but afraid of what in it... no one also is afraid to say "i care for you", or "i love you", but they are afraid the response given back...

i used to hear this quote a long time ago... very very very long ago.. meant very much to me..

i know what must be done.. i know which way is clear now...

kanne adachu.. yellam nandanu aloikian.. ellam kashtum tirunathu oramei cheithathu.... variy kaanum.. verum.. keetum..

hakuna matata!! go forth and no turning back.. cause i know someone way up there is watching me.. ^^

~jivithum~

yengenai parriya arrile, atthiyum aitu na eruthene.. ithu annu yende bashe... yenuku arrile ye vera alkaru yenne ishtum illa.. holidays terunne apo, yende kuttali, ende group le.. dooram aitu poone.... yeh?.. yarikku ariyum.. avaru ellam valiya reunion dinner cheiyam poonu... yenne velechella.... ennuku onnum parriya saikila.... ithu ellam talaivithi..

ennuku tanne irrukian koreche kashtum.. pasche, ithu anne jivitham... yennengi pallu kadhichitu, kallutea ennikunum... chinese new year, valentine's day.... ii yerundu doosum, korache kashtum.. yelarum chirikinu, samsarikinu, pasche naa martrum tanne ivide, yende katil le.. irrikunu.... eleraumke plans onde.. naa matrum tanne ane..

yeh naa malayalthi eruthene, karnum, yarikum mansalaune... ithu yende basche ane.. ithu ane naane.. vera arum alle.. atthanu... enniku oru penne ne ishtum.. pasche avallu, yendete samsarikiniella.... avallude cherripum kannum, yeneka orubade ishtum.. athu anne naa avelne onnum pariyathu.. allangi, a cherripu poovum.. yeneke angenai veendam.. minthathe erunaa.. atthe annu sukham.. oru thosum verum.. yeneke oru alle verum.. apo.. naa tanne irukila.. aa thosum veram. naa wait-cheiyum...

yeneka veede orubade miss cheine... oonum cheiyam sakila.. padikinum.. naala bole verunum.. yeneke english le erudutham ithu.. karnam.. ithu yende manasu irrukunu kashtam anne.. oru thosum verum, yelam problem poovum.. yelamei povum.. apo yende taalai tuuka... a oru thosum veram.. naa sathiche irrukum.. yen jivithum naa aum.. ithu oru promise!^^...

damn lega writing this out.. my malayalam karat ad.. haven spoken much lately...^^

~invictus~

i stumbled on a poem called invictus recently.. in latin, it means unvanquished... but something in this poem.. i just cant describe.. inspires me.. to do more.. and believe in my capabilities.. especially the last 2 lines.. a great poem with deep meaning..

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

hope you enjoyed it.. ^^

a friend in need, is a friend indeed.. i must have been pretty unlucky lately... maybe some words of encouragement such as this would help..

^^

wrote some stuff out of boredom...

this is a new beginning for us,
if i knock the door of ties,
what kind of future awaits us?

what do adults search for?
perhaps for the perfect style,
one day, like rotating gears,
everything will fall into place.

god, if you are there, please listen,
i have to bid goodbye,
to all those vestige moments,
that i can't get enough of.

so, even awhile longer,
i want to remain as a child,
hiding out from the world, dreaming.

if got title suggestions, let me know.. owh well..

who i really am??

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MGH-sCnYOas

this is really how i feel..... i just accidentally bumped to something...... and i read through it... broke my heart a lot........ is this what i have become? i guess i really have to think whats my priorities..... who can i console or talk with? what weight do i have to 'you'?

i really don't want to take rash decisions.... in 1 hand, is priorities and duty, which is what i should do and can be done... in another, is what i actually want, which seems impossible, but will be worth it........


it really hurts me... really... enough... is enough...... years past.. and i cant get over it.. i thought time was supposed to heal..... but why not my case? why do i long for you? honestly, it disgust me..... that my happiness and sadness depends on you.... pathetic i might say...

fate wasn't so kind..... stripped me from my heirloom....snatched everything away... even my pride... i was forced to shut it away...in where, i learned to be independent and stop being a crybaby nor spoiled.... now fate is gambling on me.... i dont have any game face to scare it off.. i feel fate knows whats in my hands.. and if i lose it.. i would nothing left.... then the word education or doctor would not be in my life.....

i feel strange...1 part of me is afraid, stressed.. and unsure... the next 5 years.... was it my fault?.... i dont know... will i finish the race i started? will i be what he hoped? will i achieve the dream that he wished? will i ever be the person i hoped?

another of me yearns for someone... chasing a dream which is unlikely... to wake up with your smile.. and spend the time with you.... its crazy... too much time went by.. and i still feel the same.. more maybe, but never lesser.. what i can do? its not my nature to force or pressure.... and it maybe not your heart to accept.....

i feel the is no place i can go to.. heaven and hell is here for me now.... and i be honest... that i'm scared...... i cant be the person people know as... because.. that is not I.... i wish and want to disappear.... or maybe to meet him... ask him advices.. like i always did.... i hardened when he left.... i promised not a tear.... and i will hold that to my grave..... but its hard.... not to find his wisdom to help me make choices...i would very much see like to see him again.......

and to her....i always said things will never change.... though i happened the other way....i have no idea, why it had to be you.. nor why the feelings were to exist...... but i never blame you.... it has never been your fault... cause it was mine....

they say god never gives one to bite than one can chew off... i guess, i'm pretty over-rated eh? there is anger.. there is sadness.. there is sympathy.. there is appreciation.... but i really feel i can't handle all of this at once anymore..............