~fragile~

erm.. i think i have tooo much time around daydreaming.. and im NOT suicidal..

but the recent bombings made me think.. its my 2nd time, and 4th disaster in moscow that im aware off..

it got me thinking how fragile was life.. i mean, just imagine, im on my way back to moscow, with friends.. grabbing my luggage, and... KA-BOOOOOOOM... i drop down, bleeding, and slowly fading away.. and they say, when you about to die, you will see flashes of your life.. hmmmm.. what significant stuff i might flash.. my mother's smile? my 1st made friend? my success? seriously.. what i have achieved that i can call it significant? for the moment... i can't think any... so yeah.. another reason to live, to find a significant memory..

well.. lets say... i didnt drop.. but had minor injuries.. but beside me.. someone bleeding like a hose pipe... what should i do.. no no... wrong question.. what would i do? will i panic and leave him dying? or will i think something medical thingy, and try to help him out? or will i drop down to him, and help him say his prayers? wth?! but yeah.. what will i do? im not sure myself..

and let's say..i did fade away.. and some unknown russian dude.. just stared at me while i die.. wait.. thats gay.. erm.. some russian hot girl super pretty, stared at me while i met my maker.. will i be upset to that person? and blame her that she cant help me? and then haunt her bathroom? lols..

so lets say i did die.. and i met god.. and he ask me.. well mahes.. what have you done with your life? what on earth should i answer? should i say i was a good man.. or should i say, i was good, but errr..i had moments? or should i just say.. nah.. nothing much god, just the usual... haha.. and if god asked me what i have did so far? what should i say? that i have 1B for my upsr? but straight As for my pmr and spm? and i did represent my school for badminton and chess? i wasnt exactly a good brother.. and wasnt exactly a good son.. and im not exactly a good friend to many as well.. no finite answer.. so what did i do.. does all of that matter? did i do my human duty well? i ask god why so soon.. im still a virgin.. i havent made my 1st million.. i never made my 1st breakup, or relationship.. i never had a kid... and i never truly helped someone.. so what do i say.. or answer...

and okay.. lets just say i did die.. who is coming to my funeral.. my relatives? are you kidding? hahaha.. okay.. my parents and my sis will be sad.. friends? who would come.. will i be cremated or buried? who would miss me? who would shed a tear? well, naturally, on my funeral, some would cry.. but i mean, after sometime.. who would remember me?? did my existence just be erased like that.. that no 1 would remember a 'mahes' who lived in kluang... ah.. i guess hardly anyone.. partly because.. none is dependent or attached to me.. so even at death im alone.. hahaha.. like my grandpa likes to say, you come alone to this world, and you would go alone.. hahaha..

and that's said.. bottomline is.. i can't die young.. i have so much to do and so much to say.. at least when im like super old.. and i greet death like an old friend.. at least i have my resume filled up.. hahaha.. and hopefully god would be proud and said.. mahes, you lived well as a human can live.. haha.. at least i wouldnt have any regrets.. life is so fragile.. i bet i would pee in my pants, if the bomb exploded... hahahah.. but then again, i wanna make sure.. to those that i love and care... they know that i love them.. a lot..


and im not being emo. or suicidal or whatsover.. hahah. just a random thought at a random time on a random day.. while you stare at the rotating fan... hahaha!^^

~reflection~

after what all happened..
and after thinking for a long time..
i guess, i know why i feel so painful inside.. why does it hurt a lot?
mmmm.. i always told you that i love you, but i never showed it to you right..
yeah, i gave you a lot materials and all.. but that's isn't it..
i wanted to show affection, and always mentioned that you are very important person in my life..
truth to be told, i guess im very selfish.. i feel that i never tried to put myself in your situation.. (though i tell you that you should), and you always do try your best to accommodate others.. i never tried to understand you, who tries to juggle between yourself, your dream, your family and your friends..
making a choice.. between your family and dream is already so tough..
but, there i come, and increase your load.. by making you feel you dont appreciate a friend.. perhaps, im selfish in seeing you more often.. but i didnt understand.. that what you need is support and trust.. i was thinking of my own happiness perhaps?
it makes all those "i care and love you" words remain as words.. i never became a good friend to you to begin with.. and never tried to think about you..

i told you i wanted to be your "vitamins"... i guess i pretty much screwed it up there... never really there to uplift your spirits when challenges came.. heck, i made you came to see me, when even your own mother didnt have enough time to see you and missing you.. i really really feel bad for that.. i owe your mom an apology..

i used to think, i was a guy, among my peers to consider quite wise..
but i really really realised, that actually, i have so much to learn.. i know i should have and some how, made efforts to hear your side.. and feel.. to ease your burdens a bit.. i feel the toughness your are going through.. and i know im not making it easier for you..

i do know you care for me.. a lot.. i know that.. i dont know why at times, i want more.. perhaps, hearing of how other people done for each other? am i envy of that? i used to say i dont expect things from you, but i actually, i do it indirectly.. like you said, i list out the bill and make you feel bad for it....


i know and i see why.. you said that.. "if there is a one for you, its never me"... i really do know that.. i understand that..

but i promise to work hard..
to become a better person..
i will try to learn to listen more..
and feel more..

you are very very important to me.. thats why.. seeing you achieve your dreams.. and being there to take care of your family.. is important to me.. i know that.. i can feel it...

i want to be someone..

to be someone.. who even you can rely your emotions on.. to have positive influence on you..
it doesnt matter even if you are someone else's wife...or anything..
i hope that when im like 100 years old.. and finally greeting death as a friend.. i can tell him that.. i did my duty as a friend.. as a human being..

i will try to ease your pressure.. and learn..

not only to you.. but to the rest of the world..

a better mahes is what this world needs.. and i will climb my way there..

but for now... you need to chase your dreams.. and take care of your family..
and there are many challenges awaits.. i should learn to let you go.. i know its pressuring you.. cause you care for me a lot.. i understand that.. (gooodness.. i was so blind)..... i dont have any hard feelings for you.. and still give angpow to your kids in the future..


tee mei yi.... you always be a friend to my heart, my soul..
i hope that future will still hold us as best among friends..

im very sorry..

~vital burner~

i can't believe, but to say but i miss you.. haha..
weird huh.. die lor like this.. haha..
anyhow feel happy though...
quite happy we did manage to talk on new years eve, though it was brief..
i know you have a long path ahead..
and new journeys..
wishing you the best.. jangan nakal sangat je...


alas.. my dog does not hate me..
1st time.. he is wagging his tail, and approaching me.. *pats head*
well, i guess not everything was difficult..
2010 was 2010..
i'm pretty sure.. i learned a lot from it..
i am a man, aren't i..
haha..

resolutions were made again..
read my 2010's...
i actually reached a few of them unknowingly.. haha
but 2011.. resolutions are tougher..
its time to put a stop to all that..
mmmmm.. big big thoughts in my head..
have a lot thing to prepare and do..
but.. wonder if all can work out..
mmmmm... think more tonight..
yeap yeap..
im more at peace..
and besides, someone loves me.. haha.. a lot..
sayang you gao gao.. haha..
2010 was worth it.. lets make 2011, filled with more discoveries.. *winks*


i'm going to be someone i think i can be..
lady luck is never running short on me..
so work hard for this year..
and hopefully everything will fall in favour..
*mahes smile&winks*