~WarHammer~

i used to be a bit naive.. and believed that friendship would last longer than eternity.. funny thing is, time and time again, i have been proven wrong. still my beliefs aren't wavered but nevetheless shaken..

a friend shom i used to joke that we were genetic besties, now hardly, for months tried to talk to her.. i did do my part to contact, but to no avail, we sued to be able to share just about anything, i used to be able to tell stories and everything.. but now, i guess, she doesn't need me in my life much longer so therefore, no reason to look for me. a person whom i sometimes look for advices and comfort. i really thought we would be friend's till end of days. but then everything left because met someone else, i was forgotten.. i don't hate the person.. or dislike how it is now. just feeling sad and pity for a loss so deep..

another friend, whom friendship blossemed in the soviet country of coldness, a friendship i never expected to have or rejoice about.. went really well, someone whom i can darely and freely go out with and talk with, without feeling judged and also kept cheering me on, at the same time, made me feel that my ideas and views was important.. just overnight, after an error by me, in which i profusely apologised, ended in an instant.. nowadays, only looking for someone to pass things for or to ask certain things, and even at times felt that avoiding me.. yeap, felt that bad..weirdest thing now.. i even feel that having a conversation face to face, would be awkward for that person.. but it doesnt matter.. i made peace with myself.. and thought rather let it be.. and if need help, just help out.. i dont seek any return or anything. then again, just a little dissapointed feeling that i lost a good friend..can only hope that you found your happiness that you wanted..

another friend whom stuff got alittle complicated.. always showered by tiny quarells.. but then still kept the person very very close to heart.. i used to not give up the friendship, no matter how murky things got, i held the sails really really hard, and fought through the storms, hoping that a calmer breeze would come through to guide to better place.. funny thing is, i always know i can sacrifice many things just for the person, but i also realised the person could not ever sacrifice anything for me.. i don't blame the person though, its one's choice and thinking, but at times i just have this thought after all we been through together, and the times i needed so much.. i can't seem to ask any favours or anything.. why? because i know she can't do it.. if she did, it will be consequences, in which, i can't repair or mend it anymore.. i know i have a lot of faults in the friendship.. really alot.. but sometimes i feel, she doesn't see her own , or tries to repair, she says she does, and changed, but its only for a week, and after that it goes back to the same.. till sometimes i just feel tired just to try anymore.. i used to think that i will always able to find and to initiate it.. but most the times been met with dissapointments.. sometimes i just keep quiet.. cause i don't know how to answer.. she only wants to spend time if something is wrong.. rather than just to talk, when both of us have good mood.. and if i said something wrong during diffiult periods, she would cry. and i can't bear that.. so yeah..i don't mind apologising to her even if i didn't have any faults.. i always wanna mend quickly with her.. i don't lose anything by humbling myself and saying i'm sorry, and just listening whatever she says..it's not like she wants to listen to mine, then she would say i like to bring up the past.. i just sometimes wanna explain.. but hey, if i am at fault, and saying sorry could end the scuffle between us, i would just do it.. because i don't like when we fight... that's why i don't try anymore to initiate.. if she wants to find me, then let her be.. weird thing is that, she used to say i could call her if i needed anything, and i did try recently.. i actually had no 1 else to ask from, and tried calling her, hoping she could help.. but to no avail.. perhaps she was busy or slepping, but she didn't try to message.. or to initiate to ask anything, if she sees my call, and not pick up because she doesnt feel like talking, perhaps i spoilt her so much by calling last time just to talk.. in which she takes me for granted nowadays.. sometimes i feel she just stares at the phone, sees the name and ignores.. just because she doesn't feel like talking.. sometimes i wonder, if 1 day comes its so important, that i would really need her help, would she just ignore it? i don't know.. and i don't blame her.. after all at times i wonder what she thinks i am, besides than someone who hurts her a lot.. it's my fault.. i made her that way.. and i'm in a place, where i don't know i have enough in me to save this as well, the stuff i been through, sometimes i feel, i just should give up.. because she gave up on me.. last time i didn't and held strong, but i guess she will never get hold of the sails.. it's alright.. that it ends this way.. i can't initiate or do anything for now...only can depend on her efforts.. if she ever tries.. it's too much to ask from her anyway, from someone who can't take a scratch for me..i just can miss her, and hope she is always alright, and hope, that everyday, she would make an effort if she can...

another friend who became friend, then complicated, then friends again.. sometimes i feel, that used up just for your boredom, and that is all. nevertheless, i do appreciate your trust and so fort.. but yeah.. to be honest, i am very dissapointed in you.. time and time again i warned and tried to advice you out of it.. but yeah its been your choice, and its quite sad to see you kept digging for yourself.. i jsut can't understand why.. why live in that fantasy.. why.. but i am trying not to give up. somehow someway, i would try to help you to get on your feet at least.. i prayed for you every single day, hoping some sort of enlightment would hit upon, and you would start to see things better. be clear of thoughts and ideas.. i just hoped that you could be someone whom you would be proud of. and then help to inspire others.. but yeah. i know i crossed my boundaries. and i know some of my "usual prep talk" are harsh.. but then again. i don't know how else.. to continue.. it will come a time i guess 1 day. i would just go away.. because its getting unbearable to see further.. as cliche as it is, i rather be blind and see you keep making the same mistakes over and over again..but i can just continue to pray for you, and hope, that you can turn the ship around for yourself, in the hard times..

well, there are important people of my life.. well, at least once a upon a time for some of them..i don't blame them because they have some sorts of their own reasons.. but sometimes, letting me know why you did, can at least make me understand. cause i just dont get it anymore.. funny thing is, these people left me when i really could have used advices and a friend the most.. i know i can be very difficult at times, but hey, i never gave up on you guys and did my best.. i just don't get it why you guys gave up on me so easily.. makes me feel so fragile.. anyway, just let it be let it be.. it's alright.. i guess this part of mine can finally laid to rest.. and i need to survive the other parts.. there is so much going on, and sometimes i feel like the weight is crashing on me.. i need to find strong pillars of strength and encouragement to lean upon at times. but i know and understand now, i can never ask from them.. because, they can never do that for me.. and i really really don't blame them.. nor feel anything or whatsover.. if the day comes, that they would need me, even when i'm broken or in pieces, i would still come, and try to help as much as i can.. cause that is the type of person i am.. i just can't give up on people i once cared very much.. i just don't know how.. doesn't matter if they taking me for granted, or what, i can't let this change myself.. i would still always do my duty as a friend as much as i can.. even making personal sacrifices... because i am like that.. but i'm sorry if at times, i just can't help feeling disappointed in you...cause in the end, you, did break my heart..badly.. but you never can break my faith on you..

anyways, good things, i am lucky to be blessed with a good friend.. scary thing is, i'm not sure how long it goes on.. would it end out as before? i can't say for sure, but i would be as i am, and do what i do.. that's how i was taught.. i will always have faith in you, even if you were to bring a knife to finish me off..