who i really am??

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MGH-sCnYOas

this is really how i feel..... i just accidentally bumped to something...... and i read through it... broke my heart a lot........ is this what i have become? i guess i really have to think whats my priorities..... who can i console or talk with? what weight do i have to 'you'?

i really don't want to take rash decisions.... in 1 hand, is priorities and duty, which is what i should do and can be done... in another, is what i actually want, which seems impossible, but will be worth it........


it really hurts me... really... enough... is enough...... years past.. and i cant get over it.. i thought time was supposed to heal..... but why not my case? why do i long for you? honestly, it disgust me..... that my happiness and sadness depends on you.... pathetic i might say...

fate wasn't so kind..... stripped me from my heirloom....snatched everything away... even my pride... i was forced to shut it away...in where, i learned to be independent and stop being a crybaby nor spoiled.... now fate is gambling on me.... i dont have any game face to scare it off.. i feel fate knows whats in my hands.. and if i lose it.. i would nothing left.... then the word education or doctor would not be in my life.....

i feel strange...1 part of me is afraid, stressed.. and unsure... the next 5 years.... was it my fault?.... i dont know... will i finish the race i started? will i be what he hoped? will i achieve the dream that he wished? will i ever be the person i hoped?

another of me yearns for someone... chasing a dream which is unlikely... to wake up with your smile.. and spend the time with you.... its crazy... too much time went by.. and i still feel the same.. more maybe, but never lesser.. what i can do? its not my nature to force or pressure.... and it maybe not your heart to accept.....

i feel the is no place i can go to.. heaven and hell is here for me now.... and i be honest... that i'm scared...... i cant be the person people know as... because.. that is not I.... i wish and want to disappear.... or maybe to meet him... ask him advices.. like i always did.... i hardened when he left.... i promised not a tear.... and i will hold that to my grave..... but its hard.... not to find his wisdom to help me make choices...i would very much see like to see him again.......

and to her....i always said things will never change.... though i happened the other way....i have no idea, why it had to be you.. nor why the feelings were to exist...... but i never blame you.... it has never been your fault... cause it was mine....

they say god never gives one to bite than one can chew off... i guess, i'm pretty over-rated eh? there is anger.. there is sadness.. there is sympathy.. there is appreciation.... but i really feel i can't handle all of this at once anymore..............