~blink dagger~

Well, it's been super duper long since I had to come here. I know this is the place i always ranted, after i got rid of my diary. and after I think about half a dozen of months, I finally came here rant again. But this time it isn't anything negative. It's more about choices to come.

I kind of fond of this particular person, and yes she is coming back as well from her place of study. Though possibly nothing is going to happen between us, but sometimes i do wish to be trusted by her. it feels great. she thinks she isn't as pretty as her peers. but she is indeed quite beautiful in her own right. I don't expect much from all of this, but I do hope that I could spend a lot of time with her. i know she feels it, and i know she knows it. and yes she is reluctant. or perhaps she doesn't see me that way. but she is a terrific person, and she needs to be confident of herself. =))

and then there is the First girl. the girl whom i loved and cared and wasn't a secret. she did break her heart and lose a huge chunk of herself the past week. it's just been a week since the passing of her mum. and she told me she wanted to see me.. I'm not sure it was a nightmare or a dream to remember. but i dreamnt of me holding her closely and we were much more closer and intimate than we ever was. and to be honest. that scares me. i been on that road with her. and i know it stings to let go end of the day. but nevertheless i need to get pass through it. thats for sure. this is a huge choice. where i will be either extremely close to her. or i would be on the other side of the pole. i have no expectations. but i certainly admit. i missed you a lot. you will always be a part of my life. always.

and there is the ex. whom, i actually feel sorry for. though she will find this very demeaning for me to feel sorry for her. but i can't help it. she is so much different now. the way she talked and her ideas. it wasn't someone that i fell in love with. she used to be strong and stubborn with her ideas and dreams and fantasies. now she just beats around the bush thinking that she still have it, but reality is that she is just a has-been. she has nothing to back her up. she talks as if she could be as par as anyone if she did try to study or put her mind into it. but she hasn't realised how much her peers has grown both mentally and in terms of personality. right now she doesn't want to strive for anything that's worth striving for. and just wants to settle on something she can have now. doensn't want to have a goal and actually do something about it. all is left is just talk and more talk. she doesn't realise the more she slips, the harder its going to be to claw back. I might be totally wrong about this. these are what i feel for you. to be honest. you lost it. and the sooner you realise how much you have lost yourself, the sooner you can repent, and make it better. somehow, you lost your value and lost my respect to you. I really hope that i'm wrong about you. and I'm very sorry. I'm really sorry.

and then there is the bestie's advice of finding someone new. someone who doesnt know me. a opportunity to actually start something from scratch. no mutual friends. just get to know and if it happens. it's a whole new world. it's really intriguing. i know i have been very reserved in the hospital. but this time. i guess i will put in the effort to get to know someone of them. i think its a good way to see if i still can carry myself with people. i have been really quiet. way too quiet. its still to come out of the shell and stand out. and we will see how it goes.