~let it snow~

well, i think for tonight i have alot to get off from my chest, thus i guess i'm going to open that other blog of mine, in which i haven't wrote at all in a very long time, and pen down stuff that has been going on my head

first things first, well, sometimes i'm kind of sick of myself going all sort of teaching with lessons and stuff, it's so frustrating why i just can go straight forward, and just say it out loud. honestly, when you called, and i talked, and that first few seconds, all my innards and demons were spewing venom of anger and vengence, that started to slowly churn the cockles of my heart. i wanted to ravage and rejoice in the knowledge knowing that whatever you stood for and had are all going down crumbling. also in mind, knowing that you, now, are not even the half of the person i used to be with. just a mere shadow of countless disappointment and despair. oh, that part of me, was burning and brothing with all sorts of flavour of revenge. then there was this other side, that believed, that wanted and craved that you to be saved, and desperately wishing that you, by yourself to turn things around, the side that pity and cared. i can't and don't want to go back again. honestly.. so i acted in impulse, i can never tell you how embarrased or disgusted of how i felt of myself that night. but i wanted you to feel, that there is nothing left of you for me except of your flesh. so that you feel that you are used whenever with me, no longer safe, in pretense that you would have to keep away from me, for your own good.

i'm not going to save you or advice your or listen to your heart or to calm you down. you're grown up now, and you can do it by yourself, for that much i have always seen and believed in you. i can't tell you all how amazing you are, because of my ego and pride. just that.. i want you to be well.. cause no matter what happens.. how bad or how good you are going to turn out or even how ugly or beautiful you look..when i move that hair away from your face, let your eyes fix on the gaze of mine, and we look at each other.. i know it's still you, and i loved that of you to bits.

but i am letting you go, and letting myself go, for only you chose it to be. so yeah. life goes on. you don't need me, because you are strong on your own. it's just that ou forget it sometimes.

well... back to getting new headsets, did i mention that, i'm planning to get that and prolly try to bake my own cake in sometime soon. that would probably, be a first. for now some thrify month and saving up, and save up. and i should stop indulging and sinning, and start working harder and harder. monday is the last cycle for this semester. and blimey, i'm left with just 3 semesters before i be a true doctor.(so going to get my sonic screwdriver). and they were right, i shouldn't try to change myself, just need to close my eyes, and listen to the sound of the universe resonating. things would go well. and oh, if the world is ending on the 21st, i'm making chicken curry, so tag along if you want to.

sometimes i really wish i'm that interesting to her. and she does want to spend more time with me or so. i just get the feeling i would be disappointed. can't help it. move along menon