~blink dagger~

Well, it's been super duper long since I had to come here. I know this is the place i always ranted, after i got rid of my diary. and after I think about half a dozen of months, I finally came here rant again. But this time it isn't anything negative. It's more about choices to come.

I kind of fond of this particular person, and yes she is coming back as well from her place of study. Though possibly nothing is going to happen between us, but sometimes i do wish to be trusted by her. it feels great. she thinks she isn't as pretty as her peers. but she is indeed quite beautiful in her own right. I don't expect much from all of this, but I do hope that I could spend a lot of time with her. i know she feels it, and i know she knows it. and yes she is reluctant. or perhaps she doesn't see me that way. but she is a terrific person, and she needs to be confident of herself. =))

and then there is the First girl. the girl whom i loved and cared and wasn't a secret. she did break her heart and lose a huge chunk of herself the past week. it's just been a week since the passing of her mum. and she told me she wanted to see me.. I'm not sure it was a nightmare or a dream to remember. but i dreamnt of me holding her closely and we were much more closer and intimate than we ever was. and to be honest. that scares me. i been on that road with her. and i know it stings to let go end of the day. but nevertheless i need to get pass through it. thats for sure. this is a huge choice. where i will be either extremely close to her. or i would be on the other side of the pole. i have no expectations. but i certainly admit. i missed you a lot. you will always be a part of my life. always.

and there is the ex. whom, i actually feel sorry for. though she will find this very demeaning for me to feel sorry for her. but i can't help it. she is so much different now. the way she talked and her ideas. it wasn't someone that i fell in love with. she used to be strong and stubborn with her ideas and dreams and fantasies. now she just beats around the bush thinking that she still have it, but reality is that she is just a has-been. she has nothing to back her up. she talks as if she could be as par as anyone if she did try to study or put her mind into it. but she hasn't realised how much her peers has grown both mentally and in terms of personality. right now she doesn't want to strive for anything that's worth striving for. and just wants to settle on something she can have now. doensn't want to have a goal and actually do something about it. all is left is just talk and more talk. she doesn't realise the more she slips, the harder its going to be to claw back. I might be totally wrong about this. these are what i feel for you. to be honest. you lost it. and the sooner you realise how much you have lost yourself, the sooner you can repent, and make it better. somehow, you lost your value and lost my respect to you. I really hope that i'm wrong about you. and I'm very sorry. I'm really sorry.

and then there is the bestie's advice of finding someone new. someone who doesnt know me. a opportunity to actually start something from scratch. no mutual friends. just get to know and if it happens. it's a whole new world. it's really intriguing. i know i have been very reserved in the hospital. but this time. i guess i will put in the effort to get to know someone of them. i think its a good way to see if i still can carry myself with people. i have been really quiet. way too quiet. its still to come out of the shell and stand out. and we will see how it goes.

~Pathway~

So some shit ass crazy, horror movie like stuff happens. blood everywhere, and for the first time, thoughts of death and being crippled hits you. it's amazing, honestly. how much further you can move away from all this after that, gladfully=)

anyways, I think my magic trick worked well enough, and she is keeping a distance from me, once she said she was dependent on me, now, i think she doens't need to say that anymore, even though i just sat there and looking at her world and admired every bits of it. but now, she doesn't even thinks of me, so pretty much time to lock up the memories and keep it. after all, I did make a very good villain to be forgotten. and i think it's best this way =))

ahhh, catching up with my best friend, is one of the best feeling ever, with his girlfriend as well. i feel much more relaxed and motivated and also, i'm looking forward to loads of parts in life. as well as meeting them in the future=))

well, in terms of character, i guess i'm growing and growing. hoping to be a better student, and son, brother and friend. keeping focused and well determined as i move on=))

i plan to rewatch doctor who from christopher ecclestone, tennant and matt smith. want to relive the magical and inspiring stories again=))

let's hope i start my semester with the right foot, 3 more to go, and in 2014 june, I am the Doctor=))

~Yang Tercinta~

okay, kali ini, hendak menulis blog dalam bahasa, sudah lama tidak menulis dalamnya.

sebenarnya, hari ini, pemain music media player, memainkan lagu lagu melayu dan hindi, banyak dari artis sheilaon7 dang ungu. =))

berasa gusar kerana pasukan bola keranjang yang disukai mungkin tidak ada lagi pada musim nba yang akan datang, namun, hati berasakan kesyukuran terhadap memori memori yang telah dinikmati sepanjang saya meningkat usia.

okay lah fine, writing in english. i kept scratching my head so much. sigh. my malay language hancur man. things been going pretty well, i actually baked a banana cake with melted chocolate icing on top, and shared with my buddies, whom said, they were really goood. i guess in a weird way, if i was never in love with medicine, i might just turn out to be the next gordon ramsay. lols.

loving the songs music player been playing today, a huge bunch of hindi and malay songs which is great actually. and also ol'skool anime songs. garrhhh. the memories over flooding. geez. i miss watching inuyasha and helsing with mum in like super late nights, with mum saying, actually anime has good story lines honestly, i finally enjoying so much=))

I guess i finally found that balance in living that i have been yearning. so time for the big finish contented=))

~let it snow~

well, i think for tonight i have alot to get off from my chest, thus i guess i'm going to open that other blog of mine, in which i haven't wrote at all in a very long time, and pen down stuff that has been going on my head

first things first, well, sometimes i'm kind of sick of myself going all sort of teaching with lessons and stuff, it's so frustrating why i just can go straight forward, and just say it out loud. honestly, when you called, and i talked, and that first few seconds, all my innards and demons were spewing venom of anger and vengence, that started to slowly churn the cockles of my heart. i wanted to ravage and rejoice in the knowledge knowing that whatever you stood for and had are all going down crumbling. also in mind, knowing that you, now, are not even the half of the person i used to be with. just a mere shadow of countless disappointment and despair. oh, that part of me, was burning and brothing with all sorts of flavour of revenge. then there was this other side, that believed, that wanted and craved that you to be saved, and desperately wishing that you, by yourself to turn things around, the side that pity and cared. i can't and don't want to go back again. honestly.. so i acted in impulse, i can never tell you how embarrased or disgusted of how i felt of myself that night. but i wanted you to feel, that there is nothing left of you for me except of your flesh. so that you feel that you are used whenever with me, no longer safe, in pretense that you would have to keep away from me, for your own good.

i'm not going to save you or advice your or listen to your heart or to calm you down. you're grown up now, and you can do it by yourself, for that much i have always seen and believed in you. i can't tell you all how amazing you are, because of my ego and pride. just that.. i want you to be well.. cause no matter what happens.. how bad or how good you are going to turn out or even how ugly or beautiful you look..when i move that hair away from your face, let your eyes fix on the gaze of mine, and we look at each other.. i know it's still you, and i loved that of you to bits.

but i am letting you go, and letting myself go, for only you chose it to be. so yeah. life goes on. you don't need me, because you are strong on your own. it's just that ou forget it sometimes.

well... back to getting new headsets, did i mention that, i'm planning to get that and prolly try to bake my own cake in sometime soon. that would probably, be a first. for now some thrify month and saving up, and save up. and i should stop indulging and sinning, and start working harder and harder. monday is the last cycle for this semester. and blimey, i'm left with just 3 semesters before i be a true doctor.(so going to get my sonic screwdriver). and they were right, i shouldn't try to change myself, just need to close my eyes, and listen to the sound of the universe resonating. things would go well. and oh, if the world is ending on the 21st, i'm making chicken curry, so tag along if you want to.

sometimes i really wish i'm that interesting to her. and she does want to spend more time with me or so. i just get the feeling i would be disappointed. can't help it. move along menon

~Indian Songs~

well, to sum up my week, yes i've been slashed by an angry dude with a kitchen knife, lost my glasses, didn't do so well for exam, but towards the end, i did kind ahad a good day for deepavalli.

for a first in a very long time, i suppose, well, erm, i did feel butterflies and a bit *ohmygodohmygod* when she said she would love to come for the event, and so, the day came, ironed my jippa, *couldn't find the pants, so i wore slacks, and you know what, it had pockets and i loved my pockets*

anyways, she came with her simple dress, we met in metro, i was in my jippa, we went, we talked, we laughed, she leaned on me during the pictures, *i hate when they smell good, somehow i'm very enticed by them for days*.. and thats effing depressing..

anyways, we ate, and couldn't get into the hall, so we decided to bail, and go to starbucks, had a cup together, talked, and went home, messaged each other, and i told her i wanted to sleep *but in reality, i just wanted to have time on my own*..

anyways, it did kinda go well, so i'm grateful to god in a way, the cut could've been worse, the glasses was the least of the worries, and the bad things would have happened on the celebration, but everything did happen the best it could, so yeah, pretty much big guy up there toook everything, and little debris hit on me, *im strong enough to brush them away*, its never going to slow me down.

1 thing i should be doing is my extra studies, i really need to work hard again. hopefully i can get back my momentum.

and i miss mum, dad, px, sis, family, close friends, and home, next year probably will be the last deepavalli here, and after that probably i can be around home. and its going to be great.

i'm grateful honestly=)

~Undying days~

well, the past week was more than not maybe a little hitting on the lower end. i did succumb in doing it again, which i really try my best not to.. but.. i guess the "L" bug just destroys whatever will i have..

nevertheless, a single comforting thing comes from a teacher, whom i first had thoughts as bitchy.(meh.. my senses are so haywired). anyways, so called that she could see you through and read futures(senior's words).. the moment she touched me, she went "oooh, i don't know whether you believe in angels, but there is an angel looking out for you", and the first thought was the moon. Sue me. well, yeah. i like to think that the moon looks out for me. i just feel good when its around. childish thought but.. i suppose it does make me feel good.. and she said a bunch of other stuff.. probably, could mean anything.

i guess i'm still in the recovery period. i will get better and i need to work harder. there is so much i can drown for. sometimes i do wonder, am i like dust, till its too easy to forget me. i guess so.. i can only be me. but no one else.. i did wish things were different, but, i know it is what it is. and i can't look back, not anymore.

which comes to the kings. i did enjoy the game honestly, cross my heart. i saw them play and i felt really good, that few minutes, everyone was clicking and when jimmer hit the trey. i was like "if you don't like that, you don't like kings basketball", anyways, optimistic is the word to go for the kings this season. i really hope for the future

and finally, i saw random quotes of the doctor today.. which made me feel, a little cheerful to be honest, so here i am gonna share with you=))

the link is here=)) http://imgur.com/a/0o9fj

~Updatetomundo~

I’m not running away. But this is one corner of one country on one continent on one planet that’s a corner of a galaxy that’s a corner of a universe that is forever growing and shrinking and creating and destroying and never remaining the same for a single millisecond, and there is so much, so much, to see. Because it goes so fast. I’m not running away from things, I am running to them. Before they flare and fade forever. And it’s alright. Our lives won’t run the same. They can’t. One day, soon, maybe, you’ll stop. I’ve known for a while..

well, i wrote a crazy long message today. like crazy long. haha. now i feel silly cause i don't think the person would reply. ah wells. see how it goess.

I want to be inspired further and work harder, but i just seem to lose track of things.. i don't know how things going to turn out in the future, but i'm glad that i'm me.i know its sounds a little bit cocky, but i think i'm pretty awesome=)) so yeah. keep moving and moving, and yes things just went up a gear. everything moving fast, but i'm moving faster, as though a huge weight is off me. maybe it is? i don't know. i just know i want to read, i want to play, i want to go out, and i wanna eat sweet stuff all day.. and today am gonna cook something neat=))

today's plan is early dinner, resident evil while i'm eating, some gaming if there's time, but i want to read and read and read, or watch some educational stuff. need a little dicipline and all. but i realised now, i need to inspire myself most the times, i guess thats why i love doctorwho =))