failures

i have finally gotten something i hope i never get.. so yeah.. i guess.. good news no re-exam.. no need of it.. bad news is i dont have anything to give to my parents.. no honours or whatsoever.. i know people who wants to comfort me, will say, hey, its nothing.. but really it meant a lot to me.. i want something material to show my parents that all their sacrifices had not gone to waste.. i know they would say, you have jpa and all.. but who knows the truth? hahaha.. well just me.. so yeah.. i don't have anything to make them feel appreciated and joyful.. and yes you can lecture me that there are other ways.. and i know i do, but i really wanted his for them.. i felt it was the least i could do in respect.. and i failed it miserably.. funny thing when i walked home.. i really looked around.. really there is no 1.. not even family or friends.. nah..i'm just tooo complicated to be understood.. people take me for granted.. and that's because of my personality in the first place.. that i can't have any mood swings.. more like i'm not allowed too. sometimes i do wish to have someone to really let it out too.. but i think thats never happen.. i think the problem with me is i hope tooo much.. everything everytime i hope and hope.. and it builds so high.. that when it falls. i really am pathetic.. so yeah.. i know that this is my fault.. and i know that i didn't study well or hard enough.. and yeah.. maybe the teacher was right.. i'm not someone with potential as she though..i'm just everyone else.. will be forgotten so easily.. nah.. i don't have friends or family.. i just can't do it anymore.. screw all this. i can't even do the pandorica speech.. i wished i can for that actually.. i might just get a goldfish and just live with that.. no point hoping in things that dont happen.. right? but then again.. i can't change myself.. however i try that there is that part of me.. will retain.. and be myself... so what options do ihave besides putting my head low and walk.. i wish i was a dalek....but i'm just human.. not even time lordish.. i guess i only have myself.. and life goes on...

~milestones~

i am sorry for being cold.. i know you meant well to bring the kueh batik or brownies thing for me.. and i realise you came from far.. but you do know it is wrong to bring for me such things.. it did taste good though.. but yeah.. i can't accept things from you.. not in this times.. i just don't feel good about it..

had a dream.. maybe not a nightmare.. but i guess yuo can call it a bad dream.. yeah.. it was the dream i know that one day i would be facing huh.. i dreamnt of you... you were with someone else, with that smile and you were happy.. how can i ask for you then.. i can't..why am i still hoping for you.. i really dont know at times what am i feeling.. i want to be your friend.. a dear friend.. but i always hope that i'll be more than that.. not as family like you say.. but more.. which is impossible like you always say.. i don't blame you.. i blame me.. its just me can't bottle up things well.. leakage.. and more leakage.. i can wait for you till then, but i doubt you will be waiting for me..haha..

i am happy for my close friend who patch up back with their loved ones... and then, completely forgetting of me.. again.. i guess i'm only good when someone needs me..haha.. ah well, i played this role far toooo many times.. and i still not used to it... sometimes, i just wish to come home and say a lame joke, or else.. i know you aree finally starting to feel happy, and i don't want to disturb you.. i understand.. though at times i do wish that i can have a friend.. i too wanna gossip and say lame cheesy lines... be happy friend.. i hope you don't find me, cause if you do, i know you are not well.. haha..

i learnt something from the dream.. after years of hoping, i finally reach the end, in which i did expect that is.. me being broken.. so asking myself.. is it worth it hoping still? i know it is.. but can you handle it when it happens?? i don't know..
i just be the person i know..

maybe i was wrong all this while.. my mentality. thinking that, no one should be alone when they do something.. that they should do things together.. i always had this idea.. that when your times come, and you need to go, you always want the most important people around you.. and my close friends and family are the most important people, and the bring the best of me.. and especially you too.. maybe this sort of thinking is wrong.. people come to this world by themselves.. naked and vulnarable.. and they should go out such way as well.. alone..

maybe i should just forget all this, and do things by myself.. there is no reason to share.. because its better to share the sugar and vinegar with yourself.. keep it to you.. save everybit of it.. so you have enough for a long time.. where do i go when i tell my success or asking an advice.. if not myself..

maybe that's why i want to climb the mountain by myself.. to prove a point.. that i was wrong all this while.. that i still can achieve a great milestone even with broken limbs.. sweats and tears and smiles all by myself.. maybe iw as being silly and obnoxious all this while.. or maybe i was right.. i don't know.. but i'm leaving myself to find out as i grow everyday..

and i'm not suicidal or emo-ing or whatsoever..

anyway, been wanting to keep a fish.. haha.. i do think it can survive i hope.. and i plan to call it.. alphy? hahaha.. maybe soon, when i pass a pet shop maybe..

i been raping the replay button of a few songs of murray gold.. it's like listening the orchestra when the empire attacks.... somewhat it makes me want the challenges to come so i can outsmart it..hahahah.. sounds cocky right.. but yeah... i haven't been feeling so much confidence. and charisma seems ooozing off me..well, then, i guess i need to show the problems and trouble, how to really make someone misrable by giving them a run for their money.. and no god.. i'm not challenging you, don't you thunderbolt me when i go out.. mati...


haha.. well, i think i'm gonna write a joke here.. mmmm..

but then again.. nahhhh.. i keep it for the future.. *giggles*.. hahaha. where do i come up with really lame jokes.. my hidden talentss.. one of the many...

not supposed to be writing but wth.. blame murray gold..hahaha.. *bobs head*..

though tomorrow, i know the teachers gonna meet me with the face of dissapointment.. i know i didn't work hard enough for it... today was a day supposedly. to have 25hours. but they didn't want to have the daylight saving time.. so remained 24.. oiii! medved, i could really used that extra hour you know.. garrh..

and i speak judoon now.. do go ro so fo go lo no.. understand?? hahhahahahaha!!!!!

and you are an ood! ugly, but you have the saddest voice....

if someone were to ask me, who is the perfect person to date,
the 1st question
empire or republic? choose wisely.. wrong answer i will NOT talk to you for lightyears.. or worse i will stab you with the lightsaber or force chokehold you..hahaha..

and then, a drummer is smexy, having a long hair is hot, smooth skin is a turn on, killer smile is must, perfect heigh and figure is a plus point, knows what i'm talking about(even my random words) is a definite yes, must be able to speak judoon..hahaha.. and of course, have "that" eyes.. i wonder if such person exist.. and what if she did, and she doesnt want to come 10 metres near of me.. and lets say if i met her.. what do i say, hello? hahahhahahahahaahha.. this is funnneeeeehhhhh..

and yes to daleks out there.. i am gonna be the doctor, do please try to fail me, but i am the doctorrrrrrrr.. and i'm coming to get you.. look at me oozing with confidence, doesn't that frighten you.. hahahahaha.. let's EXTERMINATE you lot..shall we?? hahahahah!!

and i think karen gillian is hot. and i do tweet a lot.. and i am a chocolate addict, and i'm on coffee baed diet... i'm going to start play badminton with a little more intensive.. unforgivingly flabby.. na-ah! ain't happening when i'm just 20..

i haven't wrote something like this since my diary..ahh... the good ol' times.. me and that book.. i wonder how many fishes read it.. hahahaha!
maybe i should write all of these in another place, where only me, myself and i can enjoy each line well, and the meaning behind.. by myself.. you know, its like being priveledged, knowing tha 6billion people in the world, roughly a billion with internet, and roughly 500million knowing english, and out of 500million, 20 million are active online most the time, and out of it just a couple hundreds knows you exist in this planet, and out of the that just around 25 or more knows this blog exist, and only 1 can read the next time i'm gonna write again.. doesn't that makes you helluva special? hahahahaha!

and this is gallifrey, and immagonnaflywithmyTARDIS!

~Partum~

Today, gonna update all the blogs i ever had.. i guess i have neglected writing, it's not like i write wel, but i guess its more in expressing myself out when i really can't, write down the words i can't really say out.. anyway, its been sometimes since the break, and to be honest, between me and you, this is going to be the last time i'm going to mention about it.. times past, and seriously i finally did understand why it feels so different being by myself this time.. haha! my diary!!!! yeap! i used to be able to bitch about stuff there, till i got rid of it.. and for the last few weeks, i kept to myself, while people might say i am the one to blame, i am not planning to refute their claims nor correct them.. i am man enough to take my part of the blame, and carry it, and walk with it. because why, i am that kind of man. and so i did my mistake and moved on, and i know, i wont make such mistakes again.. anyway, life returns, those times of me speding more time with me and studies, and i should say, i really can adpet to my old life.. really close friends talk to me rarely nowadays.. i guess they have to run their lives as well.. but i heard good news, and i am happy for them.. godbless.. and oh, i really want to work hard.. and i been putting effort in so many things, i know my groupies thinks im lazy or not as clever or as good as them, i used to care a lot of what people thought about me, but now, i just couldn't be bothered, i know my path of life isn't going to cross with anyone here after med school.. so, pretty much, i should prepare myself on my own, and make sure i live a good life, be more of person than i want to.. i guess my perspective changed a lot these last few months.. and not surprisingly enough, meiyi, have to really thank you again.. everytime, you do make a change in my life.. a better change.. i guess you really do inspire me much.. and i want to inspire you and put a lot of positive energy in you, to do great wonderful things.. and i know she is not having th ebest of times, and i know she is in the depths of her mind, figuring a way to get her life through this and to survive..it may look like i abondoned her.. but seriously, i think i know her so much, i know she needs her space to deal with it.. and i know she can do this, and she does know i am here, and i feel i should give her more positive vibes with it.. just to add a little bit of strength in her... and i will be waiting for her.. and will be waiting.. but seriously a lot difference with me this time, last time i used to be cranky when she dont reply and all, but this time i know she needs to be places where she needs to be, and i want to support her well through this.. and she will come home soon.. and i will be there with a big smile for her.. studies has been not really stable i guess, i am quite tired in classes and so all, and sometimes dont look really prepared.. i am really putting a lot effort in making my knowledge more complete.. my quiet life continuous i guess, and i continue to be the person i can be.. jeannie said really nice things about me.. she said she has respect to me...thats really the best compliment i ever heard from someone.. kinda pushes your confidence a lot. i want to be better than the best, i wanna push.. i want to show the world.. no.. to show myself.. that i can be whoever i want to be.. and i believe in myself.